Sure my first diner list was good but we need something more substantive. Something that every diner can use to grade and guide his experience. Once again I feel the need to ask all of you to help me out with things I am missing. I hold these things out, not as comprehensive but towards compiling such a list...as a matter of public service.
1. Visible Grill Area (VGA): This is important for “authenticity” (see item 20 below) because of course, in sight it must be right. Steak n Shake...if they cared about breakfast would still be a great diner. You want to see what there doing. You want to see what they grease the grill with. Is the bacon precooked? What the hell are they doing with my hash browns. Lots of kitchens turn out excellent food but...daddy likes the VGA.
2. Counter: The existence of the counter used to be directly related to the VGA but no more. Many, many places have counters and stools along with a kitchen. (see Dennys). The counter is important because even though I rarely sit at one they offer the place for the colitary diner to come in, read a paper and become as involved as he or she might want to be with another diner. lack of a counter makes any establishment’s dining cred “sketchy”.
3. Jukebox: This is an add on but an excellent touch. It is important to have the option of music if you need it. Free Bird in the morning can really take the edge off a hangover. You can certainly do without a juke box but... why not have one?
4. Calendar (how many?): William Least Heat Moon in his book “Blue Highways” made this a consideration. His theory in traveling the country was that the diner with the most calendars showed that it had a good local clientele. Any establishment would post the calendar of any hardware store or insurance agent who provided one for them. it shows good local color and loyalty of patronage.
5. Hashbrowns: Should I need to discuss hash browns anymore? Nope. They are critical. They must be shredded...not chpped. Not the hated "breakfast potatos" but shredded and preferably pressed down into something patty like. Lightly browned Golden. perfect. Like Christmas.
6. Cream Gravy: Cream gravy is important. You need it on a country fried steak. You like to have the option to pour it over your sausage and/or your hashbrowns. I like to cut up my hashbrowns and sausage and cover them in gravy...then cut them up some more. But you need good gravy. Not white paste. Slightly off white in color (due to bacon grease) with some sausage or ham chunks in it...a meal in itself.
7. Pancakes: Too fat? Too thin? How many? Blueberries? (for god sake I hope not if they are out of season). Should syrup be a separate item? These are important questions and well...pancake quality matters.
8. Sausage: Sausage is imortant in a real and metaphysical way. It can be hot, spicy, mild, sage.... almost anything. In it’s worse form it is generic Bob Evans or Oscar Mayer. A really good place makes their own or orders their own...most of the time these places are in rural areas but...always worth finding. pork sausage is what is doctrinally correct.
9. Bacon: What do you do...what can you do without quality bacon? Nothing! Bacon is the anchor around which all breakfast reside. You can (and I often do) have breakfast without bacon but why would you? Bacon is key. Good bacon...a hot griddle and perhaps one of those metal presses that you lay on top of the bacon in order to fry it evenly AND press it flat. Do not under estimate the importance of evenly cooked...flat bacon. I do not like fancy bacon. I am suspicious of hickory smoked bacon and of course thick bacon, though a clever anomoly is simply uneeded.
10. Coffee: I do not love coffee...not my area... but all of that having been said it is a lot to expect decent coffee at a diner. It sits for a long time on a hot plate...it is made irregularly...sometimes it is cooked....like tar...anyway...i don’t give a shit.
Iced Tea: I AM however an iced tea nazi. If they are not making tea on a regular basis and vertainly fresh tea at 6:00 A.M. every morning it is not worht talking about. Additionally...if they have flavored tea....it is unforgivable. the tea should be black tea but the closer it is to Lipton...the better.
11. Service: there has to be some expectation that service should be indifferent at best. be suspicious of too good of service but there is no reason to be forgiving of bad service...indifferent...that would be the key.
12. Chili (Slingers): It seems like a must to have Chili. It is preferable if they have chili like God intended...without beans but also the bean filled chili for the infidels. the chile can be eaten by itself with cheese crackers and onions in a bowl...it can be eaten on top of hash browns, it can be eaten in a variety of forms with spaghetti noodles and of course it can be made into a slinger. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slinger
13. Butter or dreaded butter “substitute”: Although i rail against the butter substitute I believe it is the norm for diners.
Stools: Silver stainless steel base with a round pleather top. The top should hopefully be red or black. The stools should line the counter and over look the grill. This is most certainly true.
14. Booths: You almost GOTTA have booths. there is something about the lack of comfort afforded by a booth. The bumping of knees and the close quarters. Where do put a coal in a booth? A diner without booths although possibly not morally wrong is certainly doctrinally incorrect. be careful of these places that label themselves “diners” but lack booths.
Pricing: It should be cheap. But what can you do? Good food costs.
15. Location: You cannot tuck a diner just anywhere. Though a strip mall...if seedy enough is always appropriate you cannot be in a mall out lot. You cannot be in a really good neighborhood. Free standing is good. Near a highway...better. In a lot of ways the worse the neighborhood...the better.
16. Authenticity: This is tricky...and it is up to the eye of the beholder. But you know what I mean. Is it authentic? Is it a real diner? Do real people eat there or is just a bastion of West County or a refuge for faux hipsters slumming it?
Can you get a beer? I mean seriously...if you really need one. This is of course only really applicable to your bar/diner... but seriously...they are the best anyway. And also...seriously...and respectfully....is there ANYTHING better then nursing a hangover with a bottle of Busch and breakfast? I think not my friend...I think not.
17. Bathroom? Do they have one? Do they have two? Are they filthy? Do you have to go through the kitchen to get it? Do they regularly refill the toilet paper? Have people gotten sick in there in the last 24 hours? Did anyone make ANY effort to clean it up.
18. Hot Sauce: Availability and selection. Although not important to me I seem to spend too much time with people who put hot sauce on everything...including gravy. It is good if they have more then typical hot sauce showing some character and discernment by the owner.19 Cigarette Machine: I don’t smoke, I don’t like cigarette smoke but how the hell do you know that you have been having breakfast unless you leave stinking of cigarette smoke. It is appalling but...it really is important to have a cigarette machine. If one of the patrons has to go to a gas station to get his cigs...well how does that make him feel. The non smoking diner is the faux diner. People who work for a living smoke. People who smoke need cigarettes. Do you follow me?
So do we grade these things on a 1-3 scale, 1-5 scale, 1-10 scale? I need some input here. Are there items I am forgetting? Once again...how about some input...some thoughtfulness...something from the 8 of you who occasionally read this. Do something for God sakes...eventually even I had to move out of my parents basement.
2 comments:
To address the points in order:
1. Yes, nearly an essential, for purposes of verification and also for entertainment value if you happen upon the rare place with a talented grillman. A good grillman is as adept with a spatula as Lindsey Lohan with a cocktail. A quality grillman flirts with cross-contamination with every flick of his wrist, yet somehow manages to rescue the foolhardy omelette's mad dash for the freshly applied bacon with a casual hand one is tempted to call "insociant," if only a diner would be allowed such stilted chatter. Pre-cooked bacon defines the grillman as one who clearly did not take the optional class in zen cookery offered at your finer prison culinary institutes. As an aside, the hashbrown debate reaches a new plateau when one asks whether the taters ought be freshly shredded on the gril top or retireved from the hands of an underage sous chef.
2. Counters are essential for the reason stated and needs no further discussion.
3. Jukeboxes are theoretical except for the nighthawk set. Moreover, being subjected to the selections of others has well lost the luster of anticipation as disappointment is essentially invariable. At it's best it is kitschy.
4. Calendars are abit of a reach and undoubtledly are merely offered for purposes illustrative (look for some evidence locals eat there). However, in light of our locals penchant for places such as Cunneto's Pasta Pit, Hodak's Hovel of poorly executed fried chicken (pan fry it, you lazy bastards), and anyplace that prominently serves pepperloin (last refuge of spoiled meat), a local's devotion is somewhat suspect.
5. As too hashbrowns, you are correct. breakfast potatoes, whether cubed, disked or thinly shaved all fail in practical application. The execution of a proper breakfast potato has only been accomplished once, but the secret died with the grillman sometime in 1972, in the back of a Perkins.
6. Gravy. You are much too white and german to hold forth on the cream gravy. For a diner it should be SAUSAGE gravy. And it should include a healthy does of cayenne and an extra healthy dousing with black pepper. THe gravy must exhibit sausage bits which are neither too small, nor too large. Awaiting a monday morning mixing tableside by the disappointed diner fails to recognize the transmogrifying effect of the heating process. As to color, it is only partly borne of the sausage cooking residue (not bacon man! Bacon's wispy flavor stand no chance against the pacifying nature of flour). It also is a product of the grillman cooking the grease/flour mix, creating a quick roux. Failure to rouxify one's gravy guarantees it the flaccidity of a fifty-eight year old fat man. Finally, you leave out discussion of the milk. Oft overlooked, but make it whole! You ain't saving squat by going skim or the milquetoast's 2% solution.
7. Pancakes are never the diner's forte. Too complicated a task. You are asking it to blend sweet and savory into a unifying whole that is the pancake. Can't be done in the diner setting. THey never achieve the necessary emulsifacation, leaving you with a plate wholly irreconcilable (see oil and water). Save the pancake for the specialist, a specialist willing to foot the bill for real 100% maple syrup.
8. Sausage. Link or patty? You do the choosing, but in any event, hide the sage! Sage is an herbal anthrax: so potent it can kill in infintestimally small amounts. One to two ounces of dried sage was all that was used by the entire british army during the long, tortured course of the Crimean conflict. Today, some sort of sage mafia has pushed this furry plant in unwholesome quantities into too many foods. Incidentally, why do we eat furry leaves anyway. 5th grade micro-science taught me when fur grows on a fruit or vegetable left too long in a warm, humid envrioment, poisons are bred. Why then do we foresake such hard wired caution when approaching this frankenflora? Likely one need only look to the twisted scientists of Monsanto ("Food, Health, Hope") for the answer. Those licentious bastards looked at cancer, recognized the malevolent force of genetic mutation and sought to unleash this evil on our food. Research seems to indicate sage is the result of a misbegotten cross pollination of the benign basil (think jesus) and a loathesome Nutria (think furry orc) . Awful people, these monsatans, but I digress. Suffice it to say, sage cannot be trusted to injudicious hands.
9. I am with ya, but it has to be quality stuff, ideally neither from a giant hog operation nor Charlotte's friend.
10. Coffee. The only reliable essential is it not be weak. Tea colored coffee is a slap in the customer's face, suggesting a proprietor willingness to cut corners (see McDonald's). If they boldly skimp on the grounds, think where else the nefarious owner will sacrifice...makes one shudder for those partaking of the sausage offering.
11. Here I am willing to break the mold. Why can't we have sultry servers with more than a hint of dirtiness about them (and I do not mean fingernails)? Food for thought.
12. Chili with the beans. THe bean is the mortar which binds the chili together. Absent beans chili becomes some half baked hamburger stew experiment with cumin. As an aside, hamburger stew is a vile concoction, taking a near perfect grill food and immersing it in water. Slingers are fine, but too often engender waves of nausea about half-way through.
13. Real butter is too much to expect, but I would like to see it other than in those extraordinary wasteful little packetrs with foil on top. Hell the packaging costs more than the butter and cost is why we can't get butter! Cut out the middleman manufacturer of the plastic packaging (I smell Monsatan again) and give us back our butter. Oleo (didn't Monsatan develop this accidentally while working on the gift of PCBs...food, health, hope, from the people who brought you dioxin and Agent Orange, but I digress). Butter's better.
14. Booths are fine as an idea, but I cannot sit in the inside postion. Way too claustrophobic. Also, you can't tell if the bastards behind you are eaves dropping, plus your line of sight is limited...booths are a nice accoutrement but only the naive or foolishly bold would actually choose to sit in one.
15. Correct. Strip malls, malls, and suburbia are out. They must be free standing or part of a block with apartments, accountants, accupuncturists or their ilk lurking the floors above.
16. People must be there to eat, not for the "eating experience." It ought not be the site of some exburbans anthropological expedtion to live just a little dangerous. However, you better be there for the food or run the risk of being the selfsame tourist you so scorn. Perhaps that is the tricky bit.
17. Bathroom should be clean, with running hot water and strong soap. Lack of attention to the bathroom is but an e coli precursor. THe employees must use it all the time, and if they are comfortable sitting in repose in an indoor johhny on the spot, what does that tell you about their hands man!
18. Hot sauce. Needed with hangover eggs to prevent gagging. The one with the cork top and salma hayek on the front is all one needs. Best on the market and widely available. Tabasco is best reserved for bloddy marys and oysters. Crystal sauce sux.
19. Cigs and counters don't mix. Smoke invariably will follow you based upon some weird inverse logarithm where your dislike of smoke is somehow mutplied by 3.14 and is then divided by the price of the pack of smokes (like women, cheap ones smell worse).
20. In place of the cigarettte machine, factor in the proximity of a newspaper machine. Also, do they sell pie? Ain't asking for a wide selection, nor made on premises, just be simple and good. Chocolate is nice and has almost entirely disappeared in its most simple, uncluttered form.
This is all I got for now.
This type of brilliant insight is EXACTLY what I am looking for. You just do not see enough of this....PASSION!
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