Guest Columnist

I have a son, Jon, who just finished his 2nd year at Valparaiso. He is a nice boy and he has written a weekly column for their newspaper, The Torch, called “Becker’s Banter”. It is an odd little column, the college equivalent of Bill Mc Lellan and his mother and I get to read it after several weeks. But he asks me to write his last column of the year because he is... lazy. I might or might not have been a little drunk when I wrote it. I did not think I saved what I sent but just found it in my trash so for your reading annoyance, here it is:

“Sooooo... it is Wednesday. Your father has been working all day, dealing with annoying, needy clients who do not want to pay (grown up stuff) and at 3:00 (C.S.T.) you get this message on Facebook (because you are one of those creepy 46 year old men who had a Facebook account) that says:

“Do you want to write the last Becker's Banter of the semester? I brought the idea up to my editor and he really enjoyed it. 500 words, by sometime tomorrow if you are interested. It could be a reflection on my articles, or something completely different.”
This is your oldest son. Arguably you love him. You have subscribed to the Torch so that you can read his blathering on a week to week basis, albeit several weeks late because of mailing and general Torch management incompetence. In any case I have been reading my sons articles all year and as loving father a number of things suggest themselves:

1. He is not that funny
2. He has very little insight
3. He appears to be very much the product of his gene pool.

All of that having been said, as a parent (and a lot of you have parents) you have to wonder:

A. Why is someone paying 30 grand a year for this kid to go to school?
B. What is he EVER going to do with his life?
C. Why would any girl date him?

Seriously. You have read his columns? How interesting can the bathrooms in the library be? Why would someone write (and have the arrogance to think) that anyone would be interested about the curbs that go no where on what used to be the main university thoroughfare? Who really cares about the weather in northern Indiana? These are the questions a parent asks himself when reading the things their son “writes” while taking a dump in a library bathroom.

So you read your son’s “columns” and while not making you feel better about your “investment” in his education at least have the value of distributing them to his mother, grandmother and mother in law (who can all exclaim regarding how “clever” he is) have very little value to daddy. But still, it something....right? I mean at least your son (who will not get his hair cut for a family picture but who will cut his hair for a girl who asks him) is doing something...right? I mean, we pay all this money for our kids to go to school, get a degree, pledge a fraternity or sorority, do a lot of stupid things, put them ALL on the internet for their future employers (and future spouses parents) to see, so we should get something for our nickel...arguably. And this is what I get? 27

NORMAL AUTHOR JON BECKER









Well... 28 years ago when it was suggested that I leave Valpo, by the dean of men I did not have that much to show. And from my visits to the campus, discussions with my son’s friends, (a very sad and troubled group) I have decides, somewhat belatedly that this is not really that bad a deal. What all of you should be thinking is, how can I deliver my parents some “value” from this incredibly expensive college experience? As a parent I can offer a few clues.

1. Read a book or two.
2. tailor your education to serving God’s plan for your life.
3. Pray for your parents. (We need the help)

As the late Hunter Thompson (noted Lutheran Theologian) told us: “when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro”. Know it, believe it, live by it. “