On Arranged Marriages And My Daughter

Soooo having a 17 year old daughter is an interesting experience. Not a bad experience, just... interesting. In almost every case it has been excellent but there are some issues related to it. Oddly enough she seems somewhat interested in boys and some of them somewhat interested in her. Everyone says this is a natural occurrence but by the time I was her age I was already dating my wife by the time I was her age so I am a little... nervous. That might be the right would.... or perhaps apprehensive. That sounds nicer and more professional. Apprehensive. That is it.

Those of you with younger daughters need to pay attention here. I have two older sons and the fact is... you really do not care about boys. You give them good advice like "marry up" and "improve the gene pool" and you let them go. My oldest appears to have figured it out and my number 2 son Pat is gay so all bets are off there anyway. That is interesting all by itself but that would need to be the subject of another entry.

Two weeks ago I was up in Michigan with 190 Lutheran teen agers. About 80 of them were boys. This teen camp is for sophomores, juniors and seniors and gathers kids from all over the Midwest. 90 percent of them are one variety of Lutheran or another, from two parent families and probably 70 percent go church every weekend. They are nice kids from nice families. Decent breeding, good German Lutheran work ethic. Probably in church every Sunday as God intended.












In light of my apprehensiveness I made a decision that an arranged marriage might be best for my daughter (me). I did not discuss it at length with my wife but made a conscious decision that I care to much about my daughter to leave it up to chance (and hormones) so it would make a great deal of sense for me to "help" her make the correct decision. Teen Week seemed like an ideal time to find the correct boy, from the correct family with the correct prospects. Simple problem, simple solution.

When I am at teen week I get a group of 11 kids with boys and girls but at night I get to stay on the first floor of the camp's Inn with about 30 of the older boys. This would be a logical group to cull a potential husband from. I also get to see how the boys act when they tired, wired, and otherwise and have a chance to view their personal grooming habits and their neatness. The things I will do for my daughter are pretty unbelievable. I give too much. The boys are generally...boys. They are pigs. They do not bathe regularly. They leave clothes and sundries everywhere. They speak faux knowingly and with general contempt for girls and treat authority figures (like me) with even more contempt. Generally through a withering verbal assault on their self image from the second I come into contact with them I keep them under control with the help of a few other old people. Sometimes we do use a taser but that story can be told another day.

There were not a lot of prospects in this group. Several of them were from St. Louis and as such were kind of "old news". I looked them over very carefully for height, weight, intelligence and then had them fill out a 150 question "test" regarding their general attitudes and knowledge of politics, sociology, quantum physics and 9 different questions regarding the various defenses of 7 day creation as a "fact". Along with this I had the nurse examine them for deformities, congenital diseases (ta sacs and sickle cell run rampant in inbred environments like Lutheran Camp).

Then came the one on one interviews. These are primarily taken sometime after 1 A.M. when there is noise coming from their room. I will tend to go in with a large flashlight and two other counselors. We grab the child, put a sack over his head and drag him out to the beach where we lay him with his head to the tide and "question" him. This is a good early test and this year when doing this I was looking forward to tests of fire, water and air (that one involved potentially me needing to make a catapult) but after we drowned the second kid I decided this form of questioning was counterproductive. After all, my daughter is not getting any younger and if I kill all the prospects we are not going to get anywhere.

There is a nice young man in the room next to mind. I have spent several days giving him a lot of shit and he reacted well. Confused at first by this old man whipping on him but bemused. Bemused is a good way to treat me. He has a nice smile. he is earnest. he is going to college to be some kind of engineer or something. I realize that I know and like his sister a great deal and decide this is the guy. I inform my daughter and my wife. Surprisingly they too are interested in the young man as a prospect so I left it to my daughter to close the deal but with all the drama of teen agers she could not get it done. She had another week with the boy after teen week and still could not get it done without her fathers wisdom and encouragement.

At this point I guess it falls on me. I will track down his parents and make the call. I think my opening bid is going to be two camels, three pigs and a couple big sacks of milled flour. That is not a bad dowry my friend. I will keep you posted.