Message From The Other Side

Soooooo.... as I was wisely waiting for 6:00 to come yesterday evening I was with my family, out to dinner and clutching my Mac Book (TM) to my breast when suddenly the beam of light came down through the roof of the bar where we were drinking beer, eating 5 pounds of chicken wings and (sadly) watching NASCAR on the bars big screen. I of course had been expecting it which was why I was clutching the computer to my breast as I drank my bottle of Busch and ate chicken wings awkwardly with one hand. My family, used to my (for lack of a better word) foibles) made no comment and other than the awkward stares from other people in the bar it was a nice evening.

Once the beam of light hit I was able to see that my plan had worked and I was able to bring the computer up into the firmament with me so that I could keep up this memo as i observe the end times down below. It was a little awkward in the bar in that the beam of light came only for me. I had suspected I was a better (truer, moraller, more rightouser) Christian than the rest of my family and felt a pang for them as I was lifted up, wondering for a moment whether it reflected poorly on me since my wife and children were not going to be saved but than i remembered that God was perfect so he clearly would not have made a mistake and they must have been much worse people than they were letting on.

There were very few other beams of light coming up from the south county of St. Louis which also did not surprise me. I believe my numeroligist compatriots predicted only about 200,000 of us would be going. That had always seemed light to me in light of the fact that there are about 7 billion of us here and God was generally so just and loving but once again, I am sure he had it figured out. One beam of light did hold my dog Lola, a sweet but stupid beast. I looked for a beam of light containing my other dog Lily and than thought...”not so much”. Lily had of course led an evil and selfish life. Looking down and taking it in, it seems that my family is handling my departure remarkably well. My wife just refers to it as “my little stunt” and after trying to negotiate the bill at the bar down due to my absence the family went home and watched TV and drank some wine.

There appears to be a remarkable lack of lava, fire pestilence.... Even war seems to have taken a break. I am sitting somewhere... and I am sitting comfortably although there does not seem to be a chair. In prep for this moment I had researched where I would be going on Wikipedia which described the firmament as follows:
“The firmament was a great tent-like[8] ceiling made of solid crystalline material,[9] which might be pierced by skyscraper and gimlet.[10] It had many windows, some of which opened and closed for the sun and moon to travel through[11] or to let water, which was held above, fall through as rain.[12] On top there were also warehouses of snow and hail.[13] Stars were small objects that were attached tenuosly to its surface.[14]”.
Right now I am getting none of that. My retarded dog is sitting at me feet. The dog is slightly agitated and is drooling and shedding. I do not see a lot of other people who I know although no one seems particularly Beattiffic.

In fact as I look into the distance I see a lot of people hovering up in the sky, stretching and generally looking confused and the group seems rather uninspiring and perhaps... sketchy. Looking down I see that things seem to be going particularly well down on earth. Although I do not see them in the firmament with me it appears all of the announced Republican cantidates for President other than Ron Paul are gone. Al Zurkowi...gone. Muammer Khaddafy...gone. Looking to my left I see a guy who I recognize from his publicity stills as Kim Jon Il and behind him and to his left is...Bashar Assad. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was left behind, Khameni was up here with me. Every principal of Goldman Sachs was with me as were the oil company Presidents and that is what sealed it.

The dawning recognition that 200,000 of us were “raptured” and the rest of the world was left behind and it was becoming pretty clear that the world was getting along pretty well without us. I was looking with some concern and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then it did. And God took Joplin.

***

So it is all funny and in good fun until life interposes itself. Global warming and our hoggish lives moves the jet streams north and Missouri becomes Arkansas and everything including the end of days becomes less funny because for 150-200 of my fellow Missourians, when the count comes in, it was the end of days. And that...that is what pisses me off about this awful, self righteous posers who believe they know God’s plan. Only God knows his plan. But if you have your heart open you can discern God’s plan for you and it is a markedly nicer plan than the life you are living. I know God’s plan for me and that is despite all my weaknesses, petty cruelties, limitations and stupidities... he can do great things with me. And he is. And he will. And I will live forever with god in heaven and hopefully too with my family and dear friends. And these people who claim to know the plan for the end of days... they cheapen it. They demean it. I know I am going to live forever in heaven with God. I would just assume that everyone I know do the same. I think that is God’s plan.