The Great St. Louis Blizzard Hoax of 2011

Soooo...I am not a man to hold a grudge. I am not a man to deal in conspiracy theories. I am not a man to deal in the blame game. That is not me. Not at all. I was totally disrupted in my job yesterday because everyone was a twitter about the nightmare that was soon to befall us. St. Louis was to be hit with a storm of Biblical proportions. The grocery store shelves were being raped of all perishables. MODOTR and the venerable Missouri Highway Patrol were one the air 24-7 screaming about getting home and please... for the sake of everything that is holy, stay off the roads tomorrow. I went to the store. I went home. I watched TV regarding Egypt and regarding THE STORM! First rain turning to ice... then 6 inches of snow on top. More to the north. My wife was sad that we were not in the zone marked "blizzard" on the weather map.

I woke up this morning and saw almost nothing on the ground. I turned on the news and heard 13-19 inches in the viewing area. ABANDON ALL HOPE! We are doomed. I had misplaced my phone the day before in the rain. So I packed my bags and hopped in the car to deserted streets. 8:30 in the morning, slippery streets and almost nothing going on. I drove into Clayton without incident. Clayton was shut down but the news flashes, the storm warnings and all the officials begging me to stay pff the road and go home. So, i got my stuff and went home. And it kept sleeting. No snow. No freezing rain. Sleet. I worked a little. The distracted work that a simple minded man does when waiting for the apocalypse. Looking out the window. Emailing people. Making phone calls when people were not there.

I started a chuck roast cooking at lunch. Nice big one with lots of garlic and onions and some rosemary and some mushrooms. My wife bought me a nice ceramic/iron/pot with a heavy lid. Browned the whole thing in the pot in a little olive oil seasoning liberally and then let it go. Figured it would be a nice hot meal when the power went out later and it would make nice sandwiches the next day. And I waited. I watched one guy at 3 explain that there was a lot more coming but that we were in a band that was just sleet. A sweet spot really. But more snow was coming. At least 3 to six inches.

And we got no more. I sat around waiting for it. Looking to be buried and nothing more happened. I watched the doppler as all the bad stuff went by us on the north and the south like were just a little protected pocket of bliss. I watched all the local weather channel and no one ever apologized. No one ever said we misjudged. No one ever said that we terrorized St. Louis and shut down an entire city with our professional scare tactics. Our incompetence. If you are going to insist that we rely on you. At least be right. Don't scare everyone into staying home and then act befuddled. Man up. Tell us it is complicated. Tell us you blew the call. Do not act like it never happened.

The roast was awesome.

Tomorrow...off to work. Maybe I can run over one of the weather terrorists.

Its The End Of The World

As we know it... and I feel fine...fine...fine. Sooooo.... are the weather terrorists getting better at their game? I feel like every bit of bad weather they have predicted this year has arrived... in spades. Even though i went into work this morning I was being yelled at by everyone on the radio about what a selfish choice it is to leave my home when the apacalypse is coming. So, I looked for my missing iPhone and beat it back home. The roads were icy and slick and totally driveable. But you look on the doppler and it appears that St. Louis is just about to be eaten by...something. We do not know what but we assume it is bad.

When i went to bed last night my wife was complaining that we were not even in the “blizzard” zone but over night the zone moved south and we are now part of that elite group. It is weird how much it feels like one of those weather disaster movies, “The Day After Tomorrow” or some other piece of bad cinema. It is all exacerbated by the media which hopefully will soon be blissfully eliminated when icy power lines start falling and marauding packs of wolves begin leaping through our living room window plate glass looking for fresh meat. “Blizzard”, “Disaster Area”, “National Guard”, “snowpacalypse” and Obamacare are just a few of the terms I have heard on local Fox News in the last ten minutes and clearly they are all related. It is clear that the sins of past and present Democratic leaderships are finally being visited on all of us. Locusts and rivers turning red and running backwards are on the horizon.

Seriously, it does appear that this will be a memorable blizzard. I hope it is cool. When I went tto the store last night it was truly amazing to see how little there was on the shelves. Driving around this morning on Big Bend there was not a car on the road at 8:30 and it did indeed seem like a post apacolyptic zombie film. It was kind of cool. I went back home. Cooked a big breakfast, took 3 minutes to read the Tuesday Post and it appears that now it might be time for me to “work from home”. Really? Work from home? Seriously? My wife is upstairs doing that but i have no idea whether normal people really do that. I mean... the TV is still on. I do love the fact that my phone cannot ring. And they say tomorrow might be worse. I can’t wait!

The main thing is... I lost my iPhone.