The Truth About Bacon: The Bacon Pigs

As some of you know in the Becker family we show affection for one another by cooking (and eating) bacon. This mothers day our family and 8 guests consumed four pounds of this goodness. A lot of people including my children do not know where bacon comes from and so for the benefit of my children, my grandchildren and anyone else who feels like the people around them take bacon for granted here is the real story of bacon.

Bacon of course comes from pigs. A lot of people when they think of pigs think of filth, think of swine flu, thinks of pig manure and stink. What people do not know is that those pigs are used for hams, pork butts and in St. Louis the dreaded Pork Steak. That is what is made out of smelly, dirty pigs. That and hot dogs.

A lot of cultures of course revere pigs, refusing to eat their meat and of course pigs are worshipped as a deity in Arkansas. The reason is because there is a secret type of pig called the bacon pig. You do not see or hear of them because they are raised secretly by a group of non-denominational monks who are trained at birth in the nurturing of bacon pigs. Bacon pigs are solid weighty animals with large brains and gentle character. The sows are especially revered and live in spacious southern California condominiums. Recently in the current credit crisis the monks have been moving them to foreclosed beach property so they can have a nice view of the ocean and more temperate weather for bearing and raising their bacon piglets.

Bacon is of course one of the most healthy things that you can eat. Along with brown rice, tofu, seaweed and some special vegetables there is nothing more healthy the bacon. Other forms of pork and other meat can be very bad for you but bacon clears arteries, cures alzheimers and increases your stamina better then any pill. It also serves as an excellent perfume with a dab of bacon grease behind each ear.

The bacon pigs are fed Perrier, Chicago Deep Dish Pizza, Kobe Beef and alfalfa. They fattened up only in a metaphorical sense as they never weigh over 100 pounds. They exercise regularly and monks read scripture and the great books to them. The piglets as they raised have happy lives and when not being read to they enjoy watching “God Father” I and II. The bacon pigs have great life and often fly on private jets to France in the summer for the Cannes festival. They get to go to amusement parks when they are closed to the public and never have to wait in lines.

Now normal pigs are of course slaughtered in order to make their distasteful pork products. Such is not the case with bacon pigs. When they reach the appropriate size they are taken in limousines to a large Wellness Center where they are given a gentle massage and the males say goodbye to their mother pigs and their sisters. The males then move onto a special trampoline where they are allowed to bounce up and down to their hearts content and as they bounce higher and higher the bacon falls off of them, floats down like feathers and is gathered up by the monks and sent to various packaging people like Oscar Meyer where it is packaged and sent off to grocery stores for everyone to enjoy.

The females of course go back to their beautiful homes in southern California. They will raise more generation of happy, bouncy, well adjusted, center right politically aligned, bacon pigs and will live long happy lives raising their precious, happy off spring. We are especially thankful for these giving female pigs on Mothers Day.

The special male bacon pigs are then slowly transfigured and go to pig heaven where they live for eternity in bliss as a reward for the gift they have given us all of their precious, delicious mouth watering treat. So the next time you eating a few pieces, or a pound of deliciousness take a few moments and be thankful for these healthy morsels of healthfulness.