Annual February Whine/Rant

Regular readers of these pages know of my passion for the month of February. Referring to it variously as "The Long Dark Tea Time Of The Soul" (thank you Douglas Adams), the month of Darkness, the time in St. Louis when there are "a lot of suicides", "my time of despair". In Groundhog Day Bill Murray speaks generally to my feelings about February: " I'll give you a winter prediction: It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life." Yes... that summarizes it. The Holidays are firmly over. Although the shortest day of the year is well behind us the cooling that these short days have accomplished on the earth's crust and the lower atmosphere continue unabated. It is 6:28 A.M. as I type this and there is no sign of light. This evening after work I will drive home in the dark...again.

Many old people go south for this time of year and as I age (badly and prematurely...and bitterly) I understand why. Cold makes my bones hurt. Aside from my clear depression and SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) everything hurts more. My skin, which every year diminishes in it's elasticity (supposedly due to my aging cells not being able to reproduce enough copies of themselves, and the copies they produce evidently weakening and becoming more inferior in every generation) dries to a point where finger tip crack and I itch...all day and all night like I was being devoured by bugs!

So we have that going for us. It is a time to hunker down. You cannot really wait for Spring at this point because the promise of Spring is so illusory as to be criminal. Here are few tips for surviving until the plants start to sprout and birds start to head back north again.
1. Watch a lot of college basketball. It is a great sport with great competition. Even though it is likely dominated by large, corrupt, steroid juiced programs it is still one of the purest nightly spectacles of athleticism we are treated to. It eventually leads to March Madness and in March there is of course the hope of Spring.

2. Hunker down in bars. They are dark, so you do not notice it is dark outside. Even at noon. Look for bars with fireplaces. look for bars with lots of alcohol. Look for bars with jukeboxes. Make sure you get a ride home.

3. Watch a lot of television. Really along these same lines avoid higher art and literature all together. it will only make you feel bad. On the other hand an old episode of" Malcolm In The Middle" allows you to reflect on how much better you have been spending your time then the people did who wrote and acted in this series.

4. Quit your job and/or stop going to school.

5. Stay away from fire arms, knives and high ledges and cliffs.

6. Do not make any major moves in relationships.

7. For God's sake don't even think about exercising!

8. When possible, yell at your children and blame them for things (like your failed dream of becoming a water colorist).

9. Avoid simple, innocent and kind people as you do not want to be responsible for dragging them down with you.

10. Rub lard all over your body to avoid the afor mentioned dryness that comes with this weather.

11. Kick the dog. if you are blessed as I am to have two dogs, only kick one. The fact that you are not kicking the other dog will make the kicked dog feel even worse.

12. Yell at your kids again.

It is a time to hunker down. To be thankful for little things like space heaters and hot coffee. It is a reasonably good time to contemplate the miserable wreck your life has become and to make some plans for the future and resolutions to change...once it gets warm. Drink some more. Watch some more television.

So, tonight I am watching "The Untouchables having gone through several hours of oral surgery on a cracked tooth and I am...waiting for the snow. They started by saying one inch and now they are saying a total of six inches. I am excited because I like the disruption of the snow. I feel like an old man but as a sometimes boss I feel like when you know it is going to snow, you get up an hour earlier, you make plans for child care, and you get you ass to work. But that is not the way it is any more. Now, when it snows it seems to stop everything. And this February, if it is going to be cold, and dark, and gray... let it snow. That might cheer me up.