Diner Review: Cafe USA (Sauget)

LOCATION! LOCATION! LOCATION!

Soooooo.... sometimes it is the unhappy duty of your diner reviewer to mercilessly eviscerate an establishment. Recently i was taken to task for my heavy handed (sort of) review of the Plaza Cafe. I will have to go back and try again but it was uninspiring. Generally however I am well know as a joyous fan of breakfast. I am a shameless promoter of even the most humble and average establishment as long as it has something to offer, and they almost all have SOMETHING to offer. Good food, ambience, good service, location....my frame of mind... almost anything can lead to a good review.

Upon my return from over seas (you cannot get bacon or any quality pork products in Istanbul) I had a hankering for some good old American breakfast cuisine. I had been told by two of my partners that the much awaited Cafe USA had finally opened in Sauget. I must digress to clarify that when I say "partners" I refer to two men who I practice law with, not any "life partners" or anything like that. I do not think I could handle more then one, regardless of gender. I say "much awaited" because there is something fun about the idea of a good diner in Sauget. Sauget is a shitty, dirty awful little town, run by a backwards ass sometimes criminal and very possibly inbred family and a small police force legendary for corruption and abuse and dominated by the dollars of the strip clubs it services. In short Sauget is know for it's strip clubs, Pops (where you can drink all night) and Big River Zinc.

The thought of a diner in such a pristine location causes classic diner imaginations to go wild. You think of strippers, coming off shift, being picked up by their boyfriends (who they support) going out for breakfast and fighting as he takes her money and berates her for how she makes it. You picture men coming off all night benders, hopefully sobering up instead of driving the wrong way down the highway, and you picture a place redolent with loud, stupid drunks. So we went.

Let me summarize. The place sucks. On the way in from the parking lot (right across from "Liquor and Lottery" there were two very unattractive employees chain smoking by the back door of the kitchen. Upon coming in, it has an antiseptic atmosphere. Everything looks like it is put together cheaply and i do not think anything holds up past the first major fight. It does look like it was designed to be hosed out every morning but I saw no drains. I liked our waitress and she was very attentive and friendly and even helpful. She did not appear to be a stripper or an ex stripper. The place was over staffed as they were "training". Everyone had on ugly CAfe USA t-shirts once again indicating an over all cheapness and unendearing tackiness.

But maybe the food is good. The first thing is that their iced tea was not brewed. I asked and it appeared they had one of the hated iced tea systems (tea from a large plastic bag mixed with water in iced tea "system". It is an abomination and an anathema to this diner. I was also told that their coffee sucked which is another unforgivable sin. We sampled the menu including their version of the slinger. I had sausage, toast and potatoes. I was originally heartened in that they had tater-tots until i saw that it was the only potato choice. These were also used as the base of the slinger which seems wrong on a number of levels. The sausage had a good flavor and a little spice (this constitutes the only positive part of the review). The gravy for the biscuits and gravy appeared to be out of a bag and the cheese on the slinger was some grotesque and unnaturally colored cheese sauce. Who would allow that?!

The main vibe of the place was cheap, tacky, poorly managed (even with management sitting in a booth) and a poor dining experience. Although the ambience of Sauget at 6:45 A.M. is undeniably alluring I believe I will be staying on this side of the river and if i cross will head down Route 3 to the Korner Kafe or head out to the Collinsville Waffle House. But that is just me.