Kitchen Konfidential

Soooo... I would like to make apologies for my long absence but I really would not mean it.  Much has been going on in the world, Europe verging on collapse, Roberts making a poorly reasoned ruling and avoiding type, Syria... but who really cares?

I am in Michigan on the first real vacation of the year and it is pretty cool.  Weather has been in the low 80’s at the heat of the day and I just thrilled to not be in the Lou.  I know i will return to a dead lawn, garden and (more importantly) blackberry bush and a badly torn up kitchen.  I have for Polish men working in my kitchen under the guidance of a woman who is the charicature of EVERY kitchen designer, supervisor you could ever imagine.  She is like the principal’s secretary in Ferris Bueller with this big smile and bright sing song voice.  

I don’t know how the kitchen thing got started.   In the end I likely have to blame my daughter.  She was home for Christmas break and we were getting ready to go out for our Christmas Eve Day lunch with the family to Blueberry Hill and she set her massive 103 pounds on the kitchen table to put on her shoes (because of course why would you sit on a chair) and the nice kitchen table snapped and buckled.  We cobbled the table back together but in retrospect it was that event which planted the germ of change into my wifes eye. I had held it off for several years with our families abject poverty combined with mentioning anytime it would come up that “my marriage is not strong enough to survive a kitchen remodel.”  I was and I remain pretty certain that it is true but my wife this time basically said that it was a chance she was willing to take.  So much for true love and 29ish years of marriage.

I don’t have any real opinions (or options) in regard to this.  I liked the old kitchen.  I am a Lutheran at heart.  We do not like change.  That too has likely  kept me married for 29ish years and you would think my wife would be more appreciative, respectful,  but... not this time.  It started with her asking me to go “look at” someone else’s kitchen that had just been remodeled.  When we went over the husband was naturally absent (likely having already been banished from the house with the restraining order in the post remodel divorce) and all I could say was, “this is nice”.  They gushed about caninets and sinks and stoves and floors and I said “It just seems like 15 or 20 thousand is a lot to spend on a kitchen.”

The room went silent.  Our host smiled and my wife looked at me like I had just taken a shit in the corner.  Then they both looked at each other and laughed and went on talking like I was not there.  As a great fictional character once said, “so it goes.”
There was about a month of stressed out selections for my wife.  She is...decision impaired.  She would call for my opinion and then be frustrated by my lack of one.  What type of marble, what type of wood floors, what type of counter, what type of oven/range?  Frankly my dear, I did not and do not give a damn.  So we have Aamish cabinets being made in rural Illinois.  Granite from who knows where and wooden floors made of....wood... but what type of wood and what color should they be stained? I did not know and did not care but I had no idea what I was being led into.  I understood it intellectually but did not, could not understand the amount of decisions that were required and the money required and as I stated, we now live with 4 Polish men.  During their brief tenure at our house our kitchen has been de-nuded of it’s former glory and everything else.  New floors have been laid, and stained.  Sconces (I did not know what a sconce was) have been ripped out to expand cabinet area, only to find that they were shielding plumbing, electricity stuff (wires and what not) and other surprises which would have to be relocated.  Ib the process we have lost plumbing, air conditioning and everything is covered with a fine sheen of drywall dust and sawdust.  Awesome.

They had been at it three weeks as of the time we left again for Michigan.  It was originally supposed to only take 3 weeks but do to difficulties which were evidently unforseeable it appears it will continue another 3 weeks.  We will be going home with our two sadly mentally retarded dogs and hopefully the Polish men will be kind to them.  In light of the recent developments and their tenure in my home I am reasonably concerned that I might need to provide them with health care.  Please pray for me. My kitchen will eventually not look like...this.