What Is A Diner You Might Ask

A “diner” is whatever I prefer to think of as a diner. It is a very subjective definition. Generally speaking a classic diner has counters and booths and sometimes a table or two...but you HAVE to have a counter. The food also has to be cooked directly behind the counter.
If there is a kitchen...it ain’t no diner. A diner does not have to open 24 hours a day but it should or at the very least it should have formerly been open 24 hours a day before “somebody got themselves shot one night.” A diner cannot have men waiting tables. The waitresses cannot be attractive in any manner. Although a real diner may have a useless “no smoking” booth the diner MAY NOT be non smoking. If you banned smokers from diners they would by definition close because...well just look around at any diner. A diner might have more then one location but in this town never more then two. Denny’s is not a diner. Bob Evans is not a Diner and for God sakes Ihop is NOT A DINER.
I will entertain a debate at some point (primarily with myself) about whether Waffle House is a diner. A diner is a place which no middle aged, self aware, vaguely health conscious person should ever go without a fair amount of self loathing. A diner does not serve yogurt (unless fried). A diner at 6:00 A.M. should have a variety of empty beer, vodka, red bull and malt liquor containers in the parking lot. People frequently get sick in and around a quality diner although almost never because of the quality of a diners food. In St. Louis Uncle Bills is NOT a diner. South City Diner...NOT a DINER and anything West of 270 is certainly not a diner. In our town most quality diners are int the city and the reason for this is that City police have more to do and are less apt to sit outside the diner and arrest drunks as they pull in and out between 2-7 A.M..
Diners are dirty although the food preparation area is normally pretty clean. They are dirty because they cater to dirty, tired, sometimes drunk people and they serve a lot of them and do not pay their employees anything so their motivation is sometimes “questionable” especially when not related to a tip. Most quality diners do not take anything but cash. Most also have an ATM close by. Never use a bathroom at a diner, even to be sick in. The clocks at diners, unlike in bars are normally spot on.
A diners coffee is not that good or bad. A good diner should have a jukebox which is never loud enough at 3:00 A.M. and way too loud at 6:00. A good diner has a grumpy owner who drives an expensive car, lives in a nice house, takes in a lot of cash and has never earned more then 30k a year according to his tax returns. The anthem of every diner should be Tom Wait’s song, “eggs and sausage.”


nighthawks at the diner of Emma's 49er, there's a rendezvous of strangers around the coffee urn tonight all the gypsy hacks, the insomniacs now the paper's been read now the waitress said
eggs and sausage and a side of toast coffee and a roll, hash browns over easy chili in a bowl with burgers and fries what kind of pie?
In a graveyard charade, a late shift masquerade2 for a quarter, dime for a dance with Woolworth rhinestone diamond earrings, and a sideways glance and now the register rings and now the waitress sings
(chorus)
the classified section offered no direction it's a cold caffeine in a nicotine cloud now the touch of your fingers lingers burning in my memory I've been 86ed from your scheme I'm in a melodramatic nocturnal scene I'm a refugee from a disconcerted affair as the lead pipe morning falls and the waitress calls
(chorus)

Good stuff? Indeed.