Diner Review (Sort of) Chris' Pancake & Dining and a harsh critique of 5 Guys, Burgers and Fries

Sooooo...one oif the good thing (among many) about being home with a fever is that even though you are too light headed and sick to work, you are in no way too light headed and sick to go get food that appeals to you and spew out whatever vile filth rolls into your head to criticize same in your inane little blog. This entire review will be written while watching the film "Rain Man". They have just come down the elevator at Ceasar's Palace wearing matching suits. I plan to be done before he announces that the girl is "sparkly".

Today we move to the murky gray edges of Diners that are not diners at all but instead are restaurants. That is Chris' Pancake and Dining, part of the "Bartolinos" family. Chris' Pancake and Dining used to be Chris' Pancake and Fine Dining. I don't know what happened to the "fine" part because it truly is fine. Chris' is on East Watson directly before it merges into Hampton and at the corner of Southwest. You can find out anything you want to know by their web site:

http://www.bartolinosrestaurants.com/chrispancakes.htm

The place is old school St. Louis Hills/The Hill and I love it. As I said, not a diner. They have a full bar and they have dinner. All menus are available all day and this is important. They have of course prime rib. Why is it that every restaurant south of 44 has to have prime rib on their menu like it was their job? Anyway... all we care about is breakfast and they do an excellent job. They have smoking and non smoking sections but the non smoking section tends to be against the outside wall and it can be rather chilly against the big window.

They have a set of booths but you have to be lucky to get a seat there. The place has a nice small vibe and there are limited site lines and it feels like it is kind of private even when crowded. There is normally however a table against the back wall next to the kitchen which regulars (always men) sit at and one of them is what we and one of my partners like to call an "explainer" in that he is ALWAYS loudly explaining things to his breakfast company and everyone in the place gets to hear it. There are... characters and characters are cool.

They have good iced tea. They have all the eggs omelette's and fixins. Their cream gravy is of the slightly thinner variety with nice sausage chunks. But....wait for it...wait for it....great hash browns. Shredded and not in a patty but kind of a flattened clump with just the right amount of...brown-ness. A great smackerel of goodness served with a biscuit. Heaven. The Diner Review heartily recommends Chris' Pancake & Dining. Oh, and they have pancakes.

***

In my fantasy football league I play with one of my partners, a private investigator and a bunch of miserable, awful, terrible plaintiff's lawyers. They have no souls.... anyway... I digress. I made the mistake of criticizing 5 guys burgers and fries. It seemed absolutely unremarkable in every way to me. People had touted it so highly that one night, perhaps after drinking too much I went and tried it. There was nothing wrong with the burger. The hand cut fries were ample but I came away unsatisfied. Anyway, I stated this to the group and they jumped me en masse. Naturally I parried and defended myself but being a shallow creature, very insecure and full of self doubt. I decided today that I needed to go back.

I went for lunch. I was sober. I went alone with only a Wall Street Journal for company. The place has no charm. They stole the Fuddruckers idea of using bags of their own ingredients to create a que to line up and order. The menu is extrmely limited to burgers and fries but i find that positive. The staff is polite and attentive and busy. They sing. I like that too. This time I ordered a bacon cheeseburger and fries and a small drink. I want to say, the bacon cheeseburger was excellent. Lots of well cooked, crumbled bacon. It was without fault. I got it naked, as God intended. That was the end of my good experience. Let me tell you what i did not like:

1. The offered mayonnaise as a hamburger condiment. One word, unforgivable.

2. It is a national chain. I hate national chains.

3. They have an "iced tea system" which provides the illusion of fresh brewed tea with two urns for sweet and unsweet. These are actually just the cleverly designed founts for the dreaded fountain iced tea. Lying to tea drinkers like myself is again... unforgivable.

4. Hand cut fries. I love them. But theirs suck. There is nothing original about hand cut fries. My grandma did it for years before my parents had her killed for trying to poison us. Every steak and cheese company has had them for ten years. They are no big deal and when done correctly are delicious. These suck. Big, meaty and undercooked. Like eating a bunch of new potatos. Blech!

5. Bad atmoshpere, bright lighting and cheap tables that wobble. Why?

6. Perhaps it is because they serve everything in a brown paper bag. Is this supposed to be charming?

So, I don't care for it. When in Des Peres....Village Bar all the way. And to my fantasy football mates. Your idiots for liking this place. Lemmings captivated by a cute name and slightly different packaging.