Diner Review: The Hearth Room

Soooo.... In my exhausting, never ending march to cover EVERY breakfast place in St. Louis I am constantly roving the city, eyes peeled in strip malls, shopping centers, basements filled with the undead as I cruise through some time desolate streets at all hours of the day or night, occasionally I come upon something new or at least new to me. Such was the case last week when I ventured out to west county to visit my parents. West County as you all know is a bastion of people who have all centered their lives around “getting a lot more house for their money” and betting that the public schools are better out there. If nothing else I believe they better quality drugs. But I digress. the point is that west county is a soul less bastion of shopping, and national chain food. I know Kirkwood and indeed parts of the City were once pasture but ALL of west county is paved over farmland and the way we have done it for the last 30 years...depresses me. Wow, I digressed again.

The Hearth Room Cafe is in the “Lamp n Lantern Plaza”. The name was quaint when it first was built in the 70s. It was on the corner of Woodsmill and Clayton and sat a little awkwardly behind a building with a 7-11 (now a Pasta House) and a car wash and a bank. There once was a supermarket there, a Kroger I think. When my parents had a spot of financial trouble we moved to Village Green Apartments which are just west of the center and I would tromp through it frequently on my way to buy comic books and 32 oz bottles of Sprite and Nacho cheese Doritos. Good days. My parents moved several times since then but now live in Chesterfield and so I was driving by the shopping center when I saw a sign over the steps of tiered Lamp n Lantern for “The Hearth Room”. I drove around the center and could not find it because you cannot park in front of it. Instead it lies in a “charming” court of shops, 30 yards from any parking. What a great idea. That morning I had already eaten so I did not make the trek.

Still, I vowed to come back and I did so this morning, braving the cold in order to walk the long way from a parking space to the “cafe”. As I walked in I saw a small darkened room of tables on the right. To the left there was a a large, charmless, kind of formal and dimly lit room. Their was indeed a large hearth and hearty gas fired blaze was going, throwing off no heat and even less light on a room that lacked any charm. I stood there for a minute till a waitress finally came out of the kitchen and advised I could “sit anywhere I want”. There were perhaps a dozen people eating there which I found encouraging but the average age was about 65 and at least two patrons had walkers parked around their tables. Still, old people know their breakfasts and I am never one to snub food that is easily chewed.

The menu was unremarkable and seemed to feature omlettes and pancakes and breakfast sandwiches. The waitress was pleasant and attentive. The iced tea....BREWED! And it was good tea, fresh in a place where clearly I was the only one drinking it. I ordered my standard meal of ½ order of biscuits and gravy, side of sausage and...(gasp) the dreaded “breakfast potato”. Frequent readers (all three of you) seem sometimes amused and almost always saddened by my obsession with the humble potato but nothing sends shivers down my spine like the menu item called the “breakfast potato”. WTF is a “breakfast potato”? Is it a particular cut of a potato? I guess I should be grateful because they are giving me a heads up that they do not have real “hash browns” which as we have discussed should always be shredded and skillet fried to perfection. But your reviewer bravely ordered them anyway and considered the venerable St. Louis Post Dispatch and read about Newt Gingich’s bold attempt at an open marriage with his current (totally uncreepy, not crazy eyed or plastic haired) wife Calista and his former wife...after she was diagnosed with MS, who of course replaced the first wife (diagnosed with cancer). What a hoot. Also, Romney appears to not have his tax returns ready for release. I did look around at the Hearth Room patrons, several of whom were speaking loudly to their hearing impaired companions. There was classical music playing and despite my enjoyment of the iced tea and my paper I was annoyed by the decor, the pretensions and I think just by breakfasting in west county.

My meal was pleasantly surprising. the gravy was a little thin but full of sausage pieces although it was topped with some green seasoning which might or might not have been parsley and while suitable for dinner, was inappropriate for breakfast food, especially biscuits and gravy. Similarly on my plate was an orange twist as garnish. Garnish is wrong at breakfast. there...I said it. It is (and if this gets too technical for you I apologize but I am of course a professional need to use the proper vernacular) stupid. The sausage was really good though. properly cooked. A little savory, no spice. I like big flat patties that are more like thin hamburgers. The potatoes were a disappointment but were very edible. the biscuits similarly were appropriately baked and added nice texture with the gravy and when i mixed it all up together it was more than adequate. I think it cost $9.00 with the tip.

Bottom line. Nothing special. Take your mom there, or your dad. Nothing homey, nothing charming and food did not wow. Ambiance sucked and you have to walk a long way from your car. I predict they are out of business by summer (the location is just a bad idea, especially for old people who need to walk in their walkers) and so if you want to give it a try i would get out there now.

6 ½ Slingers On The Ten Scale