This was something I wrote for my oldest son Jon's College newspaper at Valparaiso. He is a weekly columnist and I am an "occasional" contributor. I had suggested this as a good beginning of the year column. I was....rejected.
The Disappointed Parent:
Jon Becker of “Becker’s Banter” is on sabbatical in Cambridge this semester. In an effort to keep his column in the Torch and the big fat paychecks that includes I have offered the Torch an occasional column. You do not really need to ever read the column when it appears. If you see the column, say to yourself, “You Kids These Days...” fill in the blanks about how you have most recently failed yourself, your school, your friends and most importantly your parents and it will save you a load of time.
Today we are going to write about communicating with your parents once you arrrive at college. PAY ATTENTION FRESHMAN! Back home in Chicago, Indianapolis, Gross Pointe, Holland, Minneapolis and Hooterville you have parents at home. These long suffering parents have done one or more of the following:
1. Assisted in securing your room and board (if not covering it all together)
2. Fed and clothed you for at least 18 years.
3. Suffered mightily (and in most cases quietly) with your poor choices of friends, dates, movies and music.
In many cases they also helped you move all your crap to college and left you with a $20.00 bill for a pizza before pulling off. They rode back home with your mother sobbing because she is losing her baby and sobbing even more because she secretly suspects that she has done a horrible job raising you. Your father is ignoring her and seems lost in the Journey song playing on the classic rock station.
Sadly, your mother is right on both counts. No one from my generation understands or appreciates how telephone impaired your entire generation is. Your ability to make and have a civil phone call where normal constraints of being polite are combined with a brief exchange of information is almost unknown. Now I know you are rolling your eyes and saying “but I text, I instant message, I Facebook” but these are meaningless to parents. Even if they try texting when recieving a text that says:
“ILU. TVUM for the $$$$. IGP! CUL.xoxo”
A good parent cannot react with anything but confusion, alarm and possibly rage. Your parents have very real concerns that you are having ideations of suicide, eating poorly, have a room mate who is a very bad influence, are getting drunk every night, are dating a loser, are not going to church.... Here are some helpful hints for your parents who need a lot of Grace from you as you get settled in to college:
1. Set up a regular time each week, for at least a couple of months to call them.
2. If you cannot call them and they are technologically competent set up a time to be on line. The bad thing about being on line with parents is that we ask compound questions and often have several questions in one paragraph. We then get frustrated when you only answer one of them but it is better then no contact at all.
3. Set up a way for them to get a hold of you on an emergency basis. A text 911 or something like that where it is mandatory that you immediately call them. There are all kinds of reasons (grandma died, we won the lottery etc...). If they abuse this privelege then you can ignore them but give them a chance.
4. DO NOT drunk dial or text your parents. This seems obvious but you would be surprised.
5. Lie to them when needed. We really do not want to know that you woke up in a morass of blankets, empty beer cans and something that looks like last nights dinner.
I know encouraging you to lie seems like questionable advice but I am attorney. Trust me. There is VERY little upside to telling your parents things which upset them that you are thinking of as fun.
All of that having been said....DO NOT CALL ALL THE TIME! Your parents have been over involved in your life. Figure out how to do a drop add without calling your mom. She would love it but it is an unhealthy relationship. NEVER allow your parents to call the school or administration on your behalf. You are a grown up. Take care of it yourself.
The communication to make your parents feel good about you being in college is really minimal. Preparation will allow it to be be painless and will increase cash and support from home when you need it.
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