Guest Rant by POD (Payable On Death)

This is the self-serving and ecelctic element of the diner review. Herein we question how low can the airlines go in their limbo at the air traveller's expense. THe halcyon days of airflight with meals on china, spaciosu seating and a genteel collection of jetsetters served by comely stewardesses in well chosen uniforms is long gone. Today our airlines should be renamed with such monikers as Trailways, Greyhound and the like. One must understand that deregulation has brought us a Darwinian system of flight options with constant flux in methods are services all designed to make each the leanest, meanest and most efficient killer of the stratosphere. However, certain elements of this constant evolution seem as vestigial and pointless as the spleen, odd evolutionary developments that currently (if they did at all) serve no purpose and rather do some degree of harm (airline sickle cell, if you will). These gripes are observed of hundreds of flights but still serve to irritate the average flier with an aggglomerative impact of a velveteen hammer.

Let's start with the liquids limitation. All liquids must be transported in a sealed baggie of not greater than one quart. The pointlessness of this is obvious with but cursory reflection. First, if a cabal or terror minded individuals choose to book the same flight they can overwhelm the gallon restriction. These guys do work in groups so it is no a farfetched postulation to submit the goal of the rule is easily thwarted. Second, though the baggie is sized limited, there is further limitation as to the size of itmes that may be placed in the baggie (3 oz). What is magical about the 3 oz container, other than its haunting approximation of pi. This intrepid traveller has seen 4 oz atomizers seized from dottering octegenerains bound for Fort Myers. This slows the interminable metal detector line and is pointless. This is your first brush with irritation and should be abolished. Either, abolish all liquids or abolish the silly rule. If they are a potential hazard, make eople check them.

The carry-on. This has gone from a sleek bag, readily placed by even the most diminutive tourist to leviathan bags only portable due to the innovation of wheeled baggage. Why allow these items which only fit into the overhead of the very largest of planes which only occassionaly now service our own lambert field. However, the boarding queues are bogged down by the carry-on optimist who will spend valuable minutes trying to force their round peg into square holes. Decrease the size limitation of carry-ons back to the more traditional sizes. This may require some to wait at the dreaded bagggage carousel but will save untod others hours per year in the plane loading line as well as protect the hundreds daily pummeled by the unwieldly satchels of the poorly conditioned who buffalo the bags down the airplane aisles with the reckless abandon of a rookie tight end in the last week of August NFL camp.

Which of course brings up the method of boarding a plane in groups. Logically, a plane should be boarded from the rear forward to minimize delays by the aformentioned steamer trunk wrasslers. The back of plane folks already get the worst air recirculation (itself a primordial nod to when planes allowed smoking) and are closest to the noxious fumes of the lavatory. Instead of this logical system bording groups may include people from rows 1, 12, 25, and 55qq. It simply does not make sense; change it.

Seat sizing. Recent statistics suggest in the latter part of 2007 americans who were obese reached the unheard of ratio of 100% (due to the expatriation of Kate Moss and the banning of ephedrine). Nevertheless, seats just get smaller. At this point a seat assignemnt is merely aspirational as you will be likely sharing a seat with the person seated next to you. Whether it be a constant thigh or shoulder rub, this unforntunate intimate contact inevitably leads to an unwelcome mixing of bodily fluids (best case scenario, sweat) with your row-mates.. A recent gallop poll of guatanamo "guests" (detainees is now a disfavored term) has found our guests prefer water-boarding 2-1 over internment seating in mocked up MD-80s. The Hague has further barred repatriation of these jihadist in commerical jets until conditions are improved.

So there you are, squeezed into row 33f, squeezed in next to a Fit Camp reject who sends semi-autnomous flesh pseudopods beneath the armrest to invade your personal space. What could come next but for "push-back." No, not your push back of the invasive, kudzu like advances of the jelly roll next to you (that would be pointless). Rather, it is the push back from the gate that allows the airline to claim "on time" departure. All would agree that true departure is when the plane alights from the runway, but they count departure as leaving the gate. THis is so, though you may simply sit on the tarmac, mere feet from the gate. Temperature control is not possible unless the plane is airborne, so there you sit, stewing in the collective oozings of you and your new companions. Lavatories begin to stink, drinks cannot be served (unless you are in first class). If, of course, planes were loaded in the more efficient manner described above, and push back was not considered the defining moment of departure, passengers could reamin in the relatively more comfotable concourse until dpearture was actually to be achieved.

Babies. These are the bane of the flight. These little miscreants are scattered about every flight to ensure no one is out of earshot of their piercing wails. Designate the back of the plane for these evil little banshees and their handlers (sometims called parents). This will allow them to load first, be near the lavatories, and away from the majority of passengers. This would be best described on Dante airlines as the malebolgia. Keep them together and out of earshot of the already persecuted.