ZOMBIE BANKS!

Hank Paulson Announces Original Bailout

Zombie Banks? Zombie Banks? Where did this come from? I do not just have to worry about global warming, my marriage, my children, my faltering career, the economy, interest rates, my own personal lack of discipline, global warming *(again), getting older, not having grand children, not being able to make my mortgage payment, my wife leaving me, my clients leaving me,,,,,, now I have to worry about Zombie Banks?

What does a Zombie Bank look like exactly? What kind of building houses a Zombie Bank? Is it a traditional bank with a lot of cement and Greco-Roman architecture? Or is it more insidious? Are Zombie Banks those little...bland...funeral home like structures that abound in every suburb? Is it scarier that Bank of America might be a zombie bank or is it scarier to have the community bank on the corner be a zombie bank? The answer is....YES. Both are scary as shit.

I didn’t even know Zombie Banks existed until they explained it to me on NPR. The idea is that these Banks have so much more in bad investments and bad loans then capital that they are dead men walking. Zombies. Of course it sounds funny, even stupid but it is not. What do you do about these brain dead Banks. Where here is a humble suggestion based on what you always do with Zombies.

Wall Street Zombies


You shoot them in the head. You cut the heads off. They die. They do not rise up again. All this talk about nationalization is not an answer. It is not that it is totally stupid. These banks can’t survive. If they cannot survive though, then they cannot survive under government supervision either. They have already been zombified by toxic assets. It is in their blood streams and arteries... it is in their cells.... their DNA. To the best of my knowledge zombies never make it back to being human. So here is brief suggestion as to the course of action that should be taken:

1. The FDIC should use it’s regulatory power to replace the boards of these banks and;

2. Start a liquidation of them.

Bank of America and Chase Shareholders should not be under the misapprehension that their stock is worth anything at al. It isn’t. They need a plan to shut these puppies down. Now that might sound extreme but seriously, they are done. Their employees will be needed for some time in the liquidation and hopefully thereafter by the competent companies purchasing their assets, physical plants and “talent”. Wachovia, Cit and Wells Fargo are probably huge flesh eating beasts as well but it remains to be seen whether they can survive. In the case of those three banks they ought to immediately use their investments in the bank to unseat the board and appoint a new board to also appoint new management. These new boards should be retired bankers willing to do some public service. There are a lot of them and most of them would be thrilled to serve. Then if the board determines independently that they are dead, you liquidate them as well.

The point is we need to stop kidding ourselves. We are going to need to find a base line, a bottoming out in a lot of industries but we cannot get started at that while we are still clinging to these dead, bloody, cash carnivores. The government should get their guns and shoot these things in the head. If that is too expensive then you need to get the big government machete and chop their heads off. It might work. It has gotta work better then what we are doing now.

The only other thing might be to walk up to the zombie banks and say “klaatu barada nikto”. That might work.

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2/21 It has been suggested to me that the answer to the Zombie Banks might be.... WILL SMITH. Will Smith cured the Zombies. Perhaps I have been too harsh. Perhaps WILL SMITH can cure the Zombie Banks. Why couldn't it happen? He was brilliant in "7 Pounds"?