STAGE NAMES: NPR... where did you find them?

Soooo... over the last several years I have become a National Public radio addict. This does not make me a bad person, a hater of Jesus or of our country no matter what you might hear. I like it. I feel like they give me two sides and more depth on everything but I also know that I have been indoctrinated and both those sides might be to the left of the mainstream. But NPR can be extremely annoying and pretentious. often they have shows that suck but generally I like them all day long and most of the weekend. They get a little weak for me at night and there are a few weekend shows that just do not have anything for me but today...lets talk about one particularly annoying thing.
WHERE DO THEY FIND PEOPLE WITH THESE NAMES?
It is like they have a casting call from the characters of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” Your name has to be odd, sound something like a plant or a medical condition, should contain an odd monosyllabic middle name when possible or at the very least sound like one of those joke names the characters have in the “A Series of Unfortunate Events” movie.
I am only going to discuss the women correspondents since they seem to be the most self consciously pretentious. I do not mean to imply that these women have stage names like strippers but seriously...it is too much. Do you question me on this?

Mandalit del Barco: Pronounced with an emphasis on the “del” and the first name sounds like it is Mandelita as it rolls off her tongue pretentiously saying...”hey America...I am not from there.”

Then we have Lourdes Garcia-Navarro. Shouldn’t she be of the same nationality or ethnicity as Mandelit? Shouldn’t they have covered the same ground.

Terry Gross: Funny name. Unattractive but very listenable women.

Vertamae Grosvenor: I can only assume by the name that she is a German Lutheran mother of 7 who cans a lot of fruit. Wrong. Now I am not trying to look up or research the ethnicity of any of these people but seriously, which nation is this NAtional Public Radio for? But wait, There is more!

Once again we have another German hausfrau. Annabelle Gurwitch. Seriously? Gurwitch? Gurwitch? Austrian Prime Minister...1972-1975? WRONG! Turns out she used to be on the campy Dinner and a Movie before moving on to...serious reporting. Kind of a hottie for NPR.

For the polo playing... waspy...anglophiles they offer us Charlayne Hunter-Gault. Once again wrong, wrong wrong! According to the NPR web site “Charlayne made civil rights history as the first African American woman to graduate from the University of Georgia in 1962, and has gone on to establish herself as one of television's premier journalists. She joined The MacNeil/Lehrer Report in 1978 as a correspondent, and became The News-Hour's national correspondent in 1983.” One must be impressed but one must also ask...why to many names? Is Charlayne really a name? These are big questions.

Ina Jaffe: Do not know if it a man or a woman. I comparison with the other names it is just “off beat” which is a little cute.

Then they come at us with their super hero name. Right out of a Marvel Comics sword and and sorcery epic I present... Xeni Jardin. The only thing I can say about her is at least she looks the part.

They have one correspondent who at least looks like she is right out of the movie “Broadcast News.” Silk blouse and a set of pearls. it does not get more Debra Sawyer like then this. Mara Liasson.

Renee Montagne: Have no idea about anything...other then I know... this is a stripper name. She is from NPR’s western studios in Culver City CA. Not that far from the place where Vivid makes porn...hmmm.

Soraya Sarhaddi Nelson... the Afghanistan correspondent. Once again most recently from California.
Michele Norris: An apparently normal name but she pronounces it mee-shell. Very annoying

Sylvia Poggioli has a great name which conjures up Italian food and a decent Barolo wine. Fittingly she is senior european correspondent.

But the winning name of all correspondents has to be Ofeibea Quist-Arcton. Once again, seriously... none of those are names. Not only are none of them names but she insists on the dreaded hyphenated name. Was her maiden name Quist or Arcton? What in the world is an Ofeibea? No one knows.

Nora Raum: Because of the way she pronounces it and her ubiquitous morning presence on NPR news I refer to her every time as Nora CD Rom.

Cokie Roberts: What can I say. What a great name. Cokie anybody works for me but the only time I had really heard the terms was when Cab Calloway sang “Minnie The Moocher” in the “Blues Brother” movie.

Kathleen Schalch: Buy a vowel.

Lakshmi Singh is a mid day news hottie who would more likely be a Bollywood star then a news correspondent. Pronounced Lak-shmee. Need I say more.

Dina Temple-Raston... lets hyphenate some more. Fittingly on the NPR website there is no picture of her. She is after all the FBI correspondent.

Nina Totenberg is just not that funny a name. Nice ethnicity but you really cannot compete in this crowd with a name like this.

Neda Ulaby...huh? Neda? What kind of parent would name their daughter Neda? Can you imagine grade school boys and the taunting. She looks like an aging KD Lang but she gives Ofeibea a run for her money. If you had a last name like Ulaby which brings to mind wallaby which is not an attractive reference wouldn’t you go for a pretty name?

Doualy Xaykaothao... if you want an asian correspondent, even if once again she works and lives in L.A. I guess Jane Smith is a none starter. The only thing you can say about Doualy.... at least she comes by it naturally.

As I said at the outset I love NPR. Along with getting older it has helped turn me into a bleeding heart liberal but sometimes the self involvement and the pretense of NPR and it’s listeners is a little hard to swallow. There is a little holier then thou attitude with all the listeners and we do really feel like we are better informed but we probably have just been indoctrinated. One thing that always amazes me though is the depth and level of entertainment they provide and even though NPR would cringe and perhaps even puke at the idea of news being “entertainment” it would appear that through through their correspondent names, whether real or stage names, has acknowledged that entertainment is exactly what it is.

New Hampshire: Diner Review Blows

OK.....so the diner review blew the New Hampshire Primary. Sure... I called Mc Cain right but boy did we all screw up on the Obama thing. I feel a little bit better since i was keeping company with the Gallup’s and the Pugh’s but that is short and hard comfort at best. So I screwed this one up but the question is why. Because after all... I am... like a genius. “Like a genius” in that... I have a head and most all geniuses have heads so I am... like a genius. But I really though Obama would roll through New Hampshire off the that big Iowa win... so... some theories on why I was wrong and why Barack lost.

1. Hillary cried. Sure it was not much of a cry. just a little catch in her voice. And it might have all been staged but I don’t think so. I think she is calculating enough to pull up something like that whenever she needs and frankly.... I applaud her for it. But seriously... who would ever think that Hillary would cry. She has watched her husband publicly bang woman on top of woman (literally and figuratively), watched a health care plan go down in flames, been abused and reviled (really hatefully) by every conservative pundit in the world... and never shed a tear. But on the day before the biggest election thus far in her life she suddenly shows ...humanity. And it strikes a cord in the women of New Hampshire and they rush to her side in the voting booth because she is no longer the ice princess.

2. I am sure that is an over simpflication so lets try this one. Northeastern intellectual liberals will tell themselves and anyone who will listen that they will vote for a black man and they are very public about embracing Obama and telling people they will vote for him. But away from the cameras and the press they prove themselves to be shallow and bigoted in ways they never could admit in the dark of the election booth. Those backwards ass Iowa hicks... at least they could vote for a black man.

3. I am sure that is a cruel, small minded over simpflication too. So here is what it is. Hillary is a really smart, really talented women who happened to be married to one of the more popular Presidents of our time during a period of almost unrivaled prosperity for our country. She really is a complete package. Sure I hate her but I do not have any good reasons other then she always seemed cold and I always thought that if I were Bill i would have cheated on her as well. But she really is a complete package and she has earned everyone’s respect. Obama is a dream and he has not earned the position that he has other then through his eloquence. But after living through 7 years of a President who has no respect for the language... how great would it be to have someone who could actually speak... and perhaps... care... and hope. So the bottom line is they are both great candidates for ....dare I say it...change.

So... it is on to the other primaries and caucuses. we will see how it shakes out but in the words of a great American...”I have a dream”. I have a dream of hotly contested primaries in both parties leading to conventions where there is no preset candidate. I dream of great speeches and people thinking and speaking BIG THOUGHTS about what our country could be if we could get by abortion and gay marriage and prayer in school and flag burning. Our president has failed us. He protected us but missed the opportunity to inspire us and the world to be something better and i pray this new leader will be the one to help us prepare the world for our kids rather then to use it up and hand them a husk which is where we are heading. I dream of this process being one, even as the candidates fight for the nomination...uniting us as we have not been towards the goal of once again leading the world and being the the candle in the dark and the city on the hill. The world needs for us to do this. the world needs it now. Although I have picked my horse in Obama I dream that whether it is him or someone else that the cream rises to the top and we are gifted with a real leader to end this fear mongering and darkness which has enveloped us since 9-11.

****

On another level and related to nothing... it is a good day. Had a busy week at work, had breakfast at Goody Goodys this morning for a nice Saturday breakfast on Natural Bridge. Worked this morning and then ran some errands, worked in the yard and now off to watch a playoff game and have a few beers. That is a nice day.

Keeping Score: New Years Revolutions

In the meantime in the spirit of asinine New years life plans this is what I am doing. Keeping Score. I have developed a very sophisticated regime of ten items. 5 positive (each scored as a plus 1 and 5 negative, each scored as a minus 1. I only do it during the week because living your life with discipline on the weekend is wrong, stinks of communism and if we do that the terrorists win. Here is my scoring system without being too specific:
1. Vice One (-1)
2. Vice Two (-1)
3. Vice Three (-1)
4. Vice Four (-1) Video Games and Wasting time on internet
5. Vice Five (-1) Drinking
6. Sensible Eating (+1) This merely means not being a gross pig.
7. Morning Devotional (+1) Takes 7 minutes or less
8. Exercise (+1) Even a little.
9. Productive at work,billing 6 hours or more (+1) This is hard.
10. Advancing Future career Goals/Taking special care of wife/family (+1) This can be almost anything that is not totally self involved when at home.

Without being more specific about my vices (and seriously you do not want to know) a few of them involve wasting time on computer games and beer drinking. The rest... are best not discussed where children might read. As you can see the thresholds are pretty low.

Perfect score each week is 25. Perfect score each day is 5. The goal is for me to score 15 each week... meaning hitting 4 of the positives each day and only giving into one described vice. I am 4 days into it and have scored 4-3-3-2 for the week. No negative numbers.

Lets make book on what I score from January 7 to the end of the month or at least for three full business weeks. I am betting that with a goal of a 45 point total I end up at 15 for a three week period. Still...I could end up in negative numbers.
The template of course could be expanded. You need to add a vice for each virtuous thing you might do. Sure it seems legalistic... and perhaps it seems a little stupid but we ( you and I) should never lose sight of the fact that we are stupid... little...insignificant people... thrashing around the best way we can figure out how to.... doing a lot of damage as we attempt to do none...yet still loved by God. So why not try and keep track and hold ourselves to some kind of arbitrary standard. Slight and incremental improvement is still... after all.. improvement. Right?

Thoughts?

ALL STAR GUEST BLOGGER: THE BCS!

Commentary:

I grew up as an avid consumer of football. Literally, entire weekends were dedicated to playing and watching it at the high school, collegiate, and professional levels. I loved, and still love most things about it: intense competition, strategy, top level athleticism, success of teams over "stars"; mostly, I love throwing, catching, hitting people in sandlot games. I've played with as many as 20 kids to a side (think 1990's style human waves from the Iraq/Iran wars), and with as few as 3 total (with an automatic 4 second pass rule in lieu of a pass rush). I read histories of Chuck Bednarik, Red Grange, Johnny Unitas, etc. and watched with a touch or regret as Joe Namath handed the reigns over to younger and better players.

In cutting what was considered to be the greatest broadcast deal at the time, Pete Rozelle indelibly made football "America's game" because he was willing to tailor the format, and in some cases the rules, to fit with the broadcasters needs; they, in turn, made sure that detailed market research was done into the continuum of consumer segmentation (corporate suite purchasers vs. people who buy season tickets vs. TV watchers) and price/value points, ancillary consumables (Jersey's, trading cards, etc.), export status (Europe, Japan, Canada have their own secondary leagues, and/or weakly accept exhibition games). The core point here that no one should contest, is that football, led by the sanctioned NFL monopoly, has been VERY successfully packaged as an American product and lifestyle.

While younger than baseball, football (not just professional) has used their more truncated legacy to their advantage. Baseball is saddled with break-even-at-best farm teams, while universities serve that role, efficiently and profitably for football. People accept you can more easily change rules in football than in baseball without perverting the comparability of outcomes. In a longer season, on a different playing surface (goal posts back of the endzone, largely artificial turf and indoor stadiums) with different equipment (yup, the ball of today is narrower than of 30 years ago), different rules (too many to enumerate here) and greater inter and intra-game competitive intelligence, people generally accept the legitimacy of comparing the 2007 Patriots perfect season with that of the 1972 Dolphins.

In a world of huge ego's and profits, all the children here seem to play nicely in the sandbox together. Sure, there are some issues: rampant recreational drug use, gangster-style behavior on and off the field, performance enhancing drug use, sub-20% graduation rates for student-athletes, etc. But, Professional Management, University AD's, Union labor, and marginally paid labor (student-athletes) have sliced the pie up well enough in a growing market for everyone to be happy. And, just like the adaptable rules on the field, the NCAA is now proposing to allow Universities to profit off of player profiles and likenesses. There is a rich vein to be mined beyond jersey's if University officials can swallow hard and admit that they, like the airlines, have product inventory with limited (4 years of eligibility) shelf-life, and they can either "sell" it or watch it expire. Watching Heisman trophy winners, or BCS bowl champion quarterbacks endorse products (burgers, balls, or the University itself) would certainly bring in more money, and no doubt the student-athlete's cut would either be put into a trust-fund for the little darlings dotage, or given to his proud mom and dad (like Hollywood child actors). Outside of the Ivy League and the military academies, the charade of the student athlete has long ago been cast aside; this rule change will be quietly and conveniently accepted.

So, what does this say about the game last night, or even the past season? Not a thing. It was a great game between two very well coached teams that could have gone either way. Much as I would have liked to see USC steam roll their way to a third (Vince Young shenanigans to the contrary) championship, I loved the game and the season. Think about how many times the "Number 1 ranked team" changed this year, and the diversity of teams ( the Mizzou Mudbloods had a shot at the championship late in the season) For me, this is just evidence of an abundance of talent, well-distributed among top-tier teams, coached by dedicated professionals. The LSU Tigers were fun to watch, unpredictable, winners. Tip of the hat to the team that could have imploded with the Michigan denial, or knowing the defensive coach was moving on to Nebraska at seasons end. They beat challenges on and off the field, and they are truly deserving champions.

Respectfully submitted this 8th day of January 2008 by Sargeant at Arms Douglas C. Niedermeier.

Book Review 1: Weak Grisham

Playing For Pizza
John Grisham
272 Pages
Doubleday

I hate John Grisham. Why should he be allowed to get a legal education, practice law a little bit and then go write best seller after best seller while coaching little league baseball and generally not aging and being good looking and... well... I digress. I would like to tell you I hate him because he cannot write but that would be... a lie. he can write. he can write his pants off on almost any subject. He draws big oversimplified characters that identify with our own personal traits in the broadest manner possible. They are likable, hate-able, believable, incredible. Most of his legal thrillers have nothing to do with the law and everything to do with lawyers and once you have been practicing long enough... all the characters are believable.

“Playing for Pizza” like “The Painted House” veers away from his genre of legal thriller. Instead (and this is what I really hate) he writes about something that interests or in this case amuses him. he takes a dumb football quarterback from Iowa with a great arm and a bad head. The book starts with him reviving from a coma in a Cleveland hospital with his small time agent keeping vigil. He has just come in as third string quarterback and blown the division championship for the Browns in an almost surreal way. The descriptions of him blowing the lead and the homicidal reactions of the Browns fans are painful to read.

The bottom line is that he cannot cut it in the NFL with his head issues and after this prime time blow up he is not hirable even as a third string quarterback and even Canada is not interested. He heads for Florida to play some golf, sleep around a little bit and get his head back together (sounds like a lovable character, right?) and his agent calls with an unusual job playing in Italy. Not exactly the NFL Europe but his agent lures him there with the idea of a vacation and 20k in pay for a few months with an apartment and a car and alleged Italian cheerleaders (a lie as it turns out).

He gets there and through some ups and downs and a little personal growth leads his team inexorably forward and to a championship. Even though he acknowledges the football is not much better then Division 3 college ball it is a huge victory and he has things luring him away and messing with his head. A falling opera singer, a possible new contract (and professional life) in Canada but somehow, improbably, with the help of a good coach and another screwed up (but not too screwed up) college girl (tourist) he perseveres and wins the day.

It is not a great morality play and it is not a great book but it was a good and easy read. The book is worth it for the descriptions of the food and Italian culture alone. You do get caught up in the characters and he never asks you to invest too much in a story and he gives you more then enough payback for it to be worthwhile. 6 1/2 Slingers on the 10 scale.

Change?

So... I watched the New Hampshire debates and I have got to say... I do not get it. Barack Obama has been talking a lot about change but I figured perhaps he had a job in the past that required making change. He was an agent of change... he was committed to change...change, change, change. Then he won Iowa and now Hilary likes change and even more oddly that rich guy Romney now claims to be all about change. Why this fascination with change?

So why this fascination with change? We are in a war in Iraq... our economy looks to be entering a period where it is in an absolute shambles but all these folks can talk about is...change? I like change. Every year or so I take a cigar box I have filled with pocket change and take it to a coinstar machine and take the money and go play poker with it. But I think of change as something homeless people are interested in, not the leaders of the free world.

Obama appears to have “invented” change much in the same was Al Gore invented the internet back in the 2000 race. Hilary says she has already worked hard for change and has made a lot change in the past. My question is ... where? As Senator you do not have to make change. The First Lady does not historically make change. Wife of the Governor of Arkansas does not make a lot of change (unless she is turning tricks on the side). Before that she worked at The Rose Law Firm doing Whitewater deals and even though I have been an attorney (not in Arkansas) for 20 years I have never made change in that position. So when has she made change? At Yale? Perhaps as a girl in Chicago she worked at Mc Donalds? Doubtful.

Edwards never made change in his life unless he got change back from his hairdresser.

Romney says he is an agent of change but when to rich guys deal with change at all? Don’t they have people to do that for them?

There is a great Southpark episode where the town is beset upon by homeless people who just wander around uttering one word as they hold out their hands..."change?" I would love to run the episode with the current candidates photo shopped in as these characters. That would make me laugh.

****
So seriously. Obama has tapped into something that has been tapped into a million times before. Most recently in the 2006 elections. When people are unhappy with the status quo they want... change. The fact that Obama was the only one who understood this prior to Iowa should give everyone pause. And Obama has done it with a lot of genius. He is a smart guy and whoever said that he is a canvas upon which all of us are painting our own hopes and dreams... Amen... it is true. People like me are hoping he is different, even praying he is different. Can he deliver real change? It is doubtful but from my perspective he has the best shot.

Hilary cannot be a change agent. She is married to her husbands connections and although Bill used them skillfully and to some extent kept them at arms length. Hilary has gotten into bed with them metaphorically if not actually. She is dead and does not even know it and we will learn a lot about her character watching how she handles this unceremonious dumping. She could do more for her party and the country by agreeing to be Vice President but I think those of us who find her dislikable (though very smart and competent) might be uncomfortable even with that.

How about Edwards? The rich plaintiff lawyer with the good hair has beaten Hilary in Iowa and is making a genuine run but where does that get him? Another vice presidential race probably does fly for him but there should be a cabinet post for this guy in some type of domestic do gooder position. How about head of education or even making him the immigration czar. He certainly will not be the nominee unless Obama shoots himself in the head which in our modern media age could always happen.

The funniest thing was watching Romney try and catch the newest tune that he just heard. This guy sold his soul in order to try and get George Bush’s base which worked so well for the Republicans in 2000 and 2004. That base is no longer there. Watching him grab the wrong issue (immigration...yawn...most of us don’t care) now trying to say he is a change agent because of his consulting company experience and his Olympic experience is... absurd at best. he is deader then a doornail and he does not even know it. KMc Cain of course nailed him on Face the Nation when asked about Romney now claiming to be the agent of change. Mc Cain said, “well he certainly has changed his own positions a lot, maybe that is what he meant.” Thats tough.

It is best with all of these guys to remember what Ben Stein said on TV this morning. The power for any President to make meaningful change in any of our lives is almost nil. If we want our lives to change and our country to change these guys are not going to do it for us. Ultimately that rests on you and me.

*****
One good note about New Hampshire is that Diners are getting great play on all the TV stations showing how the politicians work them. I am surprised that no one has contacted me so as to get some insight as to how to handle politicking in a diner. It has impressed upon me however a strong urge to head to New Hampshire. I was watching a place called Chez Vachon on CBS Morning news. Make me a reservation.

****
So... all of that having been said, where are we. Obama is going to win the the nomination and likely the whole thing. The more of Bush and the economy and the war that we get the more he becomes the guy who can only stop himself. Unexpectedly and by default John Mc Cain is going to be the Republican nominee. Huckabee, though i like him and admire his populist leanings is after all a Baptist minister and sooner or later every station will run a scene of religious conservatives praying (out loud for gosh sakes) for him on television and he will be dead. Might be a good VP though. Romney is dead but rich so he thrashes around for a while and then goes back to being a rich guy. Guliani...Guliani... he has this strategy (seriously that is what he calls it) to wait for Super Tuesday. The race will be long over by then and he will not have money for the TV that would be needed to compete. This guy has nothing to offer other then on 9-11 he happened to be Mayor of NYC. It is not enough to hide the fact that the guy in almost any context (marriage, politics, business) is an asshole. Enough said. Obama, Mc Cain. Not just in New Hampshire but all the way to end. Then I am taking Obama and giving the points.

New Years Butt Kicking

The New Year! Very exciting. Watching West Virginia play Oklahoma on January 2nd. Bowl games thus far lead me to the following conclusions:
1. BCS did not work this year to create exciting match ups OR games that truly satisfy the quest for National Champion.
2. Missouri did indeed get screwed by not being included in BCS but... you cannot lose at the end of the year.
3. Illinois WAS lucky to beat Ohio State... and nothing more.
West Virginia is making a game of it and I do not know how to feel. I hate Oklahoma for beating Missouri twice but isn’t it better for Missouri to have Oklahoma beat the crap out of them?

****

The Diner Review will continue next year but perhaps with some format changes. I think it is imperative for survival that some regular readers contribute. I am looking for a minimum of 3 guest pieces a month. Reviews, Diner Reviews, political rants..musings...give me something bitches.

****

New Years Eve. What a party. We were honored to have the Camp Arcadia Staff as well as some staff alumni spend a portion of New Years Eve or the entire New Years Eve. At any given time from the day before New years Eve (new years eve, eve?) to this morning we had between 12 and 42 people wandering around and sleeping and eating there. Most of these people between the ages of 20-26. There was a lot of energy and we were really excited about hosting this on New years Eve but we had not counted on a three day extravaganza. We also had to deal with the issues of 20 year olds drinking (it is illegal in St. Louis I am told). We did not buy any beer for the party but the kids supplied a quarter barrel (for those of you not familiar with the vernacular a quarter barrel is a keg) which lasted for a while but was evidently supplemented by jello shots and various bottles of cheap vodka. The key thing is that no one died and everyone woke up the next morning. We did over flow a toilet on the first floor which leaked through to the basement but other then that no permanent damage. A haz-mat team was sent by the EPA into the basement to take readings but once they flushed it out with chemicals and water (an additional 23 year old was discovered sleeping in a cabinet under the bar) it turned out that there was no structural damage. They finally all evacuated around noon on January 2nd. A good time was had by all.

****

Half time of the West Virginia game and WVA is for lack of a better term kicking Oklahoma’s boomer soonered ass. Oklahoma is flat and WVA is on fire with passion and good defense. They are playing the same game Missouri meant to play by playing smarter and faster then the other guys. I wonder how it will end up in the BCS if this holds up but you have to think Oklahoma's size and conditioning will eventually take over the game. We will see.

****

Iowa Caucuses are tomorrow night. We will not know anything until late tomorrow night or early tomorrow morning. Right now they are making me look like geniuses in the polls with Obama and H leading their respective party polls. I feel pretty good about Obama, I think people are going to vote for change whether Obama could deliver it or not he is the guy who we think has the best chance. Bad for Hilary. Huckabee is not going to do as well as I hoped. he still might win but Mc Cain will be the one who surprises in Iowa and New Hampshire. Romney is lost. He has nice hair but the immigration message is not a winner and his attack adds are turning people off and off and off and if you are buying a lot of TV time and they are turning adds off,.... you lose.
****
OK...now it is the night of the third of January. Oklahoma got stomped by West Virginia. Bitch slapped...humiliated on national television. Unbelievable. But what is really unbelievable is that The St. Louis Diner Review called the Iowa Primary on November 29. I am like... unbelievable. Now we roll on to New Hampshire where Romney will start to disappear and Mc Cain will start to surge. Obama will continue to roll in New Hampshire as well. He has momentum and will shortly be unstoppable. UNSTOPPABLE. Happy New Year!