Zombie Rebuttal

One of the Diner Reviews sadder occasional readers gave us this response to Zombie Banks:

1. ..."Klaatu....." please explain this origin. I remember Klaatu only as a band from the 70's that released one album and was purported to be the Beatles re-unification effort.

2. killing zombies feels great, just like in the video games, but there are (at least) three problems with killing them:

a. the follow-on effects of closing them down would have serious (negative) ramifications. Small towns where a bank branch was built, and don't have a computer literate population (read the poorer parts of the country that need help) aren't likely to see anyone jump into that vaccuum anytime soon. accelerating a downward spiral isn't what we're trying to do today. I know that this in theory should make room for better (read luckier, newer) banks, but we've got 10 pct unemployment already, so there is a pool of people already, and no ones jumping into this space because WE"RE IN A DEPRESSION

b. There were plenty of stupid, overly aggressive banks and they need to take their lumps, but I think the bigger problem is one of accounting rules (marking to legitimate values), congressional interference (dont get me started here, but THE NUMBER ONE reason we had a fast shuffle on the stimulus/banking package is these guys knew they were significant contributors to the mess and didn't wish to get implicated), and business cycle. WE'RE IN A DEPRESSION. Banks traditionally do poorly in depressions, so let the worst of them fail, but we don't need to push others over the edge.

c. if we have a choice between saving Detroit and banks, I might choose to walk away from both, but banks at least perform the vital role of servicing the finance needs of companies between 1 and 500 employees. Old data (2 years ago) tells us this used to be over 70% of the US business sector, so they need an alternative if you're gonna shoot their only service option. Better if you would propose something to fill the void, because the surviving banks don't have the cash or the risk mentality to take on new clients because WE"RE IN A DEPRESSION.

3. Better idea: call in Wil Smith, 'cuz just like in "I am Legend" he could (and did) perfect a solution to cure zombies.

*****

In response your Diner Reviewer States:

1. Klaatu, Barada, Nickto is of course the phrase used in the classic movie, "The Day The Earth Stood Still" is order to keep the alien's robot "Gort" from destroying man kind. Dolt.

2.
a. The hateful monster banks NEVER built a branch in a small town. You might on the other hand lose 5 of the 20 banks in your sick, sad L.A. suburb. Boo hoo California Nancy Boy. (not to get personal)
b. agreed
c. I like banks. I just want the big banks killed. Is that wrong?
3. Will Smith can do anything. You remember him making that Alien's plane crash in "Independence Day"?

Any further questions I will refer to Gort.

DISCONNECT FROM THE ROARING BLATHER!

Sooooo.... I thin the time has come to disconnect. Totally disconnect. For a long time our friends Rush Limbaugh and Fox Network have railed against the “drive by media” and that was of course and is of course bull shit. Self serving for them to give their audience someone to hate and blame. But now... in this economy... the media over all is a problem. Whether it is FOX, the Wall Street Journal, Cable News of any type, the evening news or even (gasp) NPR, these guys (and gals) are making me crazy. It is really the 24 hour news cycle that is making me and everyone else crazy.

Watching the market drop on your 64 inch flat screen (only 117 more monthly payments) or listening on your HD Radio (1000 dollar donation to NPR) or reading the Wall Street Journal (sadly the only daily still worth reading every day) there is just too much over saturation of blathering behemoths, bemoaning the beleaguered (thus end the alliteration) economy. They have nothing to say. We know the markets are going down... a lot. We know that no one has any answers. We understand as Republicans or former Republicans that the government has no answers. We know things are getting worse... much worse... every day....every hour...every minute...every second. There is no good news...ever...and we are all doomer...doomed, doomed. And it is all Obama’s fault (one month in office later) or the Democratic Congress (two years into their tenure) or the Republican opposition (annoyingly consistent), or the bankers, or the auto executives...or the unions... or the___________ fill in the blank for the whipping boy of the minute.

This is of course bull shit. Our economy is in trouble. It is well deserved trouble. the blame falls on every institution and sadly each of us and our families and our insatiable appetite for stuff. And the answer will not be in the government, or stimulus, or China, or the next bubble. The answer is going to come from us too. But not while we allow ourselves to be totally freaked out (and I cannot help from being totally freaked out) by saturation, 24 hour news cycle media. So it is time to disconnect.
For me that means

I am reading the Post Dispatch. There is no news in it.
I am listening to music in the car again.
I am keeping the radio off at work and (gasp) working.
I am not watching Obama’s speech to Congress tonight.
I am watching old movies rather then the news.

And this approach is working.

Other then one thing. It is ALL people talk about. Every conversation quickly comes to comments like:

“Can you believe how bad it is”.
“I have never seen anything like this”.
“My 401 (k) is now a 201 (k)”.
“Can you believe how bad it is”.
“My grandpa says it is JUST LIKE the great depression”.
“My wife will not sleep with me wince all our money is gone”.
“I lost my job”.
“I am losing my house”.
“Can you believe how bad it is?”

These conversations are relentlessly depressing. It seems like there is no way to avoid them so for my Diner review reading audience I am suggesting that you memorize some of these conversation changers in order to continue disconnecting and maintain your personal sanity I humbly submit the following conversation changers:

1. It is Spring, most of us live in St. Louis but it is time to start talking about the Cardinals. With pitchers and catchers reporting the time has come to ask your conversation mate: “Do you think the Cardinals will have any good left handed relief this year?”

2. If that does not work, since we are trying to be polite, lets ask about the family. “How old are your kids again”, “those are hard years”, “do you know who the father is?”, and when then reviewing pictures of the baby...”are you worried about the shape of it’s head?” is always a guaranteed conversation changer.... or stopper. Sometimes though they will then start to talk about how hard losing the house is on the family so....try the following?

3. Stare at any visible mole and say, “have you checked that out? Looks like it might be malignant”.

4. “Has that rash cleared up?”

5. “Are you losing weight?”

6. “If your so stressed out perhaps you should come to my Masque”.

7. “Did I ever tell you that I killed a man in Mexico?”

8. “Do you think Blagojovich is getting a raw deal? I do.”

9. “Do really think all those ball players used steroids?”

10. And if your really desperate:  “If you could drill a hole from the North Pole to the South Pole, and it was big enough to drop a stone through, would the stone go all the way through and out the other side and keep going? Or would it just go to the centre and stop? Or would it go half way through and bounce backwards and forwards and keep going backwards and forwards forever and ever?”
The last one is sure fire.

So unplug, disconnect and start your own economic recovery and when people insist on discussing the economy... print these questions out and keep them handy... use them.

OSCAR Predictions

HE STILL SCARES ME!










You Heard It Here First

Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire
Actor in a Leading Role: Sean Penn: Milk

Actor in a Supporting Role: Heath Ledger: The Dark Knight

Actress in a Leading Role: Kate Winslett: The Reader

Actress in a Supporting Role: Penelope Cruz: Vicky Christina Barcelona

But why the Oscars? And why is the show always so shitty? WHy have I historically had to fall asleep before Best Picture? Shouldn’t people who are putting on a show about the movies that entertained us do a better job of entertaining us?
I have not watched it in years. Does Tom Hanks still host?

My selections above were based on my limited viewing of the nominees and the little buzz I have heard. The Dark Knight should have at least been nominated for Best Picture.

This was posted at 3:45 CST the day of the Oscars. I will make a typical 60% on my choices above, That is a Diner Review Guaranty.

ZOMBIE BANKS!

Hank Paulson Announces Original Bailout

Zombie Banks? Zombie Banks? Where did this come from? I do not just have to worry about global warming, my marriage, my children, my faltering career, the economy, interest rates, my own personal lack of discipline, global warming *(again), getting older, not having grand children, not being able to make my mortgage payment, my wife leaving me, my clients leaving me,,,,,, now I have to worry about Zombie Banks?

What does a Zombie Bank look like exactly? What kind of building houses a Zombie Bank? Is it a traditional bank with a lot of cement and Greco-Roman architecture? Or is it more insidious? Are Zombie Banks those little...bland...funeral home like structures that abound in every suburb? Is it scarier that Bank of America might be a zombie bank or is it scarier to have the community bank on the corner be a zombie bank? The answer is....YES. Both are scary as shit.

I didn’t even know Zombie Banks existed until they explained it to me on NPR. The idea is that these Banks have so much more in bad investments and bad loans then capital that they are dead men walking. Zombies. Of course it sounds funny, even stupid but it is not. What do you do about these brain dead Banks. Where here is a humble suggestion based on what you always do with Zombies.

Wall Street Zombies


You shoot them in the head. You cut the heads off. They die. They do not rise up again. All this talk about nationalization is not an answer. It is not that it is totally stupid. These banks can’t survive. If they cannot survive though, then they cannot survive under government supervision either. They have already been zombified by toxic assets. It is in their blood streams and arteries... it is in their cells.... their DNA. To the best of my knowledge zombies never make it back to being human. So here is brief suggestion as to the course of action that should be taken:

1. The FDIC should use it’s regulatory power to replace the boards of these banks and;

2. Start a liquidation of them.

Bank of America and Chase Shareholders should not be under the misapprehension that their stock is worth anything at al. It isn’t. They need a plan to shut these puppies down. Now that might sound extreme but seriously, they are done. Their employees will be needed for some time in the liquidation and hopefully thereafter by the competent companies purchasing their assets, physical plants and “talent”. Wachovia, Cit and Wells Fargo are probably huge flesh eating beasts as well but it remains to be seen whether they can survive. In the case of those three banks they ought to immediately use their investments in the bank to unseat the board and appoint a new board to also appoint new management. These new boards should be retired bankers willing to do some public service. There are a lot of them and most of them would be thrilled to serve. Then if the board determines independently that they are dead, you liquidate them as well.

The point is we need to stop kidding ourselves. We are going to need to find a base line, a bottoming out in a lot of industries but we cannot get started at that while we are still clinging to these dead, bloody, cash carnivores. The government should get their guns and shoot these things in the head. If that is too expensive then you need to get the big government machete and chop their heads off. It might work. It has gotta work better then what we are doing now.

The only other thing might be to walk up to the zombie banks and say “klaatu barada nikto”. That might work.

*****
2/21 It has been suggested to me that the answer to the Zombie Banks might be.... WILL SMITH. Will Smith cured the Zombies. Perhaps I have been too harsh. Perhaps WILL SMITH can cure the Zombie Banks. Why couldn't it happen? He was brilliant in "7 Pounds"?

Diner review: Kickers on South Broadway

Sooooooo.... the St. Louis Diner Review in it’s tireless effort to illuminate and educate continues to try and find new and useless ways to spend time and eat breakfast. The Diner Review has been lax and useless as far as getting you more diner news and reviews. First the news.

We have another casualty in the St. Louis diner community in that the dreaded Uncle Wimpys on south... way south Broadway (almost to Lemay) has bitten the dust. I am not sure when the dreaded closure took place but this is one that frankly I will not miss. the place was kitschy, Full of coke and highway 66 fake memorabilia and it had two front doors. That is bad luck and of course just wrong. The Riverside Diner (also on south Broadway) closed early last year and it was a much better place but alas...gone.

The question must rise as to why these diners are closing. There is a fine group of people living in the area and easy access and parking. Granted you do not get a lot of the west county traffic but that certainly cannot be considered a bad thing. No, there is another culprit involved and that appears to be a number of bars on the same strip that also serve breakfast and that brings us to Kickers.

Kickers is the old “Lighthouse” which was the old Dieckempers. There is a shit load of history in the place. I had visited the bar the afternoon before in an effort to find another place to hide and saw the dreaded sign “Breakfast every day from 7:00 A.M. Seemed to portend great things. I began quizzing the bartender regarding the breakfast menu and was informed his omelets were to die for with home made sausage and biscuits and gravy and breakfast potatoes. They are home cut.
The next morning I showed up with my most reliable dining companion at 7:15. I was greeted in a friendly manner upon entering the establishment by a 50 ish woman in a rakish hat who was the waitress and after some brief negotiations she brought me an iced tea. I read the paper in the dim lighting at a nice table for 6. No booths in the place which is a little sad but there is a full bar and a couple of high tables in the bar area with stools. The other room was where i was sitting and there are a number of large tables and appropriately poor light.

The tea was good. My dining companion arrived and immediately started chatting up the waitress. In the future i need to remember to maintain a portion of the paper to read after his arrival while he is chatting up the waitress. If I had done that I would not have had to hear about the fire which had burned house badly and left her this morning with watery eyes, a runny nose and slight smell of pulled pork. Not that there is anything wrong with pulled pork. She also explained that it was “Kickers” because the group of owners were all soccer players. I should have realized that they day before when they were playing the AC Milan v. AC International Club Match. Might be a good place to catch world cup games this summer.

He got coffee and then went into a rather long ordering process involving eggs, sausage and toast... but it still took a long time. I was able to quickly order a 1/2 order of biscuits and gravy, breakfast potatoes and home made sausage patties. I want to be very clear, there was nothing wrong with this breakfast. But there was nothing spectacular either. The breakfast potatoes were in deed fresh cut and crispy and were pretty good. The biscuits were slightly puffy but very good and the gravy was good old fashion cream gravy. The home made sausage was the biggest disappointment, not because there was anything wrong with it but because it was just adequate. I wanted some spice and some flavor and got fairly bland pork sausage. Still, nothing wrong with it, just nothing special. The cook is also one of the owners and I am pretty confidence that he would make me whatever I wanted.

A key element is of course that you could get a cold bottle of Busch with your breakfast if you need one and that just stinks of America and makes me proud.

Over all I give the place 7.5 on the 10 Slinger scale and that is mostly because it has tremendous ambience and excellent help.

Ban This God Forsaken Holiday Today!

Soooooo.... Valentines Day.... again... What do you do? It is the worst of the contrived Hall Mark Holidays. Made up by our consumer industry ti prey on the insecurity of couples everywhere. Did you buy flowers? Are you going out to dinner? Did you make reservations? What about a gift? And that is all for your spouse or girlfriend or significant others. There is also the “spill-over” effect of getting things and cards for your kids. Then there is the pain of grade school and even high school of who gave you valentine cards and who did not. Painful. Stupid.

On the significant other level we need to worry if we are being “romantic” enough. “Appreciative” enough. Everything is graded on the subjective levels that are just... painful and stupid. So much damage is done on Valentines day for the benefit of the restaurant flower and candy business that we should just take a deep, national, collective breathe and say ENOUGH.... FOR GOD SAKES ENOUGH!

But that will not happen. And non of us can really risk being truly disengaged on this day because we really do not want to hurt our spouse or significant other. We love them. We want them to love us. The idea that our lack of action, coupled with a thoughtless remark or question, could hurt them because we did not do the “right” thing is very, very painful.

So do you boycott as a man? Is that the right thing? Do you negotiate a peace with your significant other? A truce of sorts where you both agree to ignore the holiday. But what about treachery on the other side? What happens when they buy you something or do something kind and unexpected? What then? Isn’t it really kinder to do pistols at 20 paces. There at least there is some closure rather then the lingering hurt from a slight several years before. Never forgive, never forget.

This year since it fell on a Saturday we agreed to go out for breakfast. We had some time to kill on Friday night before going out for a favorite nieces birthday celebration and even though we did not have any reservations we went out to eat... at 7... on a Friday. We hit the Shaved Duck on Virginia and Pestolozzi and we got the last table and had french fries covered in pulled pork and a home made cheddar cheese sauce (which tasted like sex on a plate) and then had a big sampler of Bar B Q and some beer and wine. It was perfect. We talked a lot. Then we went out. then we went home and went to bed. And that was pre-valentines day.

On Valentines we had breakfast at Spencer’s Grill then each went to work )on a Saturday). Had lunch with the kids. Went to a Lutheran South v. Lutheran North basketball game. Then off to a joint birthday party surprise for my nephew and his (hopefully) soon to be fiance’. I guess it does not sound like ,much romance but i believe I once again walked through the mine field of Valentines Day. This is a mind field that should be cleared however by international treaties. We need all these bad holidays cleaned up. Screw the hallmark people. Screw the restaurant industry. Lets save a couple of thousand relationships and ban this hated, contrived, mistake of a holiday. Maybe there is a Facebook group called I hate Valentines day. But I hate Facebook groups too.

I have spoken.

An Evil Plot

Sooo.....I mentioned before these dogs and last year I might have described how the dogs came to be our dogs but briefly....
We had an old dog who we had while the kids were growing up, Rascal. We did not love the dog. We tried but with the kids we were too stressed out and just basically ruined this poor little mutt and made it a dog sociopath. When that dog had the good graces to decline rapidly in health my wife took it on her self to have the dog put to sleep one day while I was playing in a charity golf tournament. For those of you familiar with the reference it was like the seen in “Goodfellas” where Deniro is calling to see if Joe Pesci had become a made man and he is told “he didn’t make it”. So rascal was gone.

So Sandy said “no more dogs” and I said OK. Then I bided my time and took her out to a friends 45th birthday party. that “friend” happened to be a dog rescue person with about 11 dogs out at her farm and a book full of pictures of dogs that needed to be adopted. She “invited” my wife to come over to Pet Smart some day when they brought all the adoptable dogs into the store. One Saturday at work she and Laura went and we ended up with cute little beagle, terrier (pit bull) mix. This of course was the evil Lily. Lily arrived coincidentally around the time Jon went away to school. Lily is inherently evil. Evil, like Cruella De Ville. Evil like Saddam Hussein. Evil like a petulant, evil animal who when not treated exactly as she would like will find a cherished possession to chew up on the sly.

My wife was exercising at Curves later and there was an odd man who wondered through with his dogs and it turned out that a particularly mangy one he adopted was too big or too crazy for his house and my wife was thinking that Lily needed someone to play with. This dog, some kind of retriever, spaniel, mangy, needed to be put down for the good of dog breed, was named Lola. So Lola came to live with us. Lola... Lola is mentally retarded... at best. Lola is just stupid at best. Whenever we have a thunder storm the dog stays up all night whining.... and whining.... you get the picture.

This coincided nicely with the year Patrick went away to college.

Recently my daughter went to visit a girl from our church who used to baby sit for us who is all grown up and has just had a second child. Like us, there own dog has become somewhat devalued in their house and they were trying to talk Laura into the idea that we could take the dog and “trying it out”. I was in favor of the idea until I looked back at the first two dogs whose names start with L and each one was a girl dog, who replaced a boy in our house. Creepily enough this dog is named Lucy. When realizing the trend and that it was yet another crazy girl dog named LUCY I realized that my wife was very likely planning on getting rid of me.

For this reason and this reason alone there will be no Lucy living in the Becker household. Although there are other good reasons. I realized that I am now living with 4 women. The last thing I need is a 5th female resident in our house. I have long observed that houses full of women have a lot higher mental illness quotient. We have plenty so taking a quote from the not great and unfortunately not late Sarah Palin...”thanks but no thanks”. Sorry Lucy.