Diner Check List

CHECK LIST FOR DINER:
PLEASE PRINT OUT AND CARRY WITH YOU
YOU ARE NOT BRIGHT ENOUGHT TO REMEMBER!

1_____Cheap Aluminum Napkin Dispensers

2_____Dispensing incredibly thin and useless napkins

3_____Condiments on every table include either hot sauce, chili pepper or both

4_____Waitress (never a waiter) is a woman of indeterminate age and is NEVER pretty

5_____Grease hangs in the air and yet is also caked on everything

6_____Ashtrays on counter and in each booth. One booth inairless corner marked "no smoking."

7_____Floor is almost disgustingly dirty

8-----Breakfast served 24 hours

9_____Menu is laminated (due to grease) and has 50 items on essentially one page

10____Bathroom marked "FOR PATRONS ONLY"

11_____Cook is smoking a cigarette while cooking your food

12_____There is a daily special which is on the preprinted menu for the same price as the "special".

13_____Counter with stools

14_____Griddle is right behind counter in plain view

15_____There is a door behind the kitchen counter and grill and no one ever goes back there (accept to die)

16_____Large vent over griddle that is never on and never works

17_____Pay ohone (anachronism)

18_____They only take cash

19_____Someone is asleep (passed out) in one of the booths

20_____There is a substance on the top of the booth...just a substance

21_____Empty beer cans and bottle left outside door as people enter

22_____Clock

23_____Newspaper machine outside

24_____Ability to have chili and/or cream gravy on ANYTHING

OPTIONAL:

Cigarette Machine

Glass Doored "Pie Safe"

The Slinger

Diner Food: The Slinger.

I took it upon myself to make the Wikipedia entry for Slinger. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slinger. Why did I do this? I did this because I have no life and simply had nothing else to do. I did this because in MY sad little world it seemed important. On the bright side I am NOT responsible for the Wikipedia entry for Troy Missouri but this is little solace. The slinger is unique St. Louis breakfast food. We celebrate things that are unique in St. Louis because other then the Arch (only National Monument dedicated to people who had the sense to leave St. Louis) and the Anhueser Busch Brewery there is very little here that you could not find in some other backwater town in fly over country.

Scranton has scrapple, Philadelphia has the cheese steak, Miami has cuban sandwiches, Minnesota (I know we are talking about cities but there are not that many people up there) has ludefisk (sp) , Chicago even claims sausages but we have the slinger. The slinger is well respected. Referenced in Gourmet Foods Magazine column “Road Food.” The slinger will heal our nations wounds as it heals a drunks hangover and it will do it in an elegant way with frequent trips to the bathroom. The slinger can be found at almost EVERY St. Louis diner. A real slinger (this author holds) can only be made with Edmunds chili. A real slinger should have no beans. A real slinger is made with white onions cut into chunks on Monday and kept in a walk in all week waiting their use and gaining...character. When you have a stranger come to town you should take them to a diner and order s slinger.

Once they leave the restroom they will thank you. Maybe.


THIS FROM THE WEB:
Not to give the idea that St. Louis is just a town where people sit around and think of fucked up ways to eat food, but since we're on the topic of interesting local fare anyway of course I had to mention the infamous Slinger.
As far as I know, this is another one of those things - like Chinese food + white bread - that never really spread outside of the STL, though I've had my share of them in Cape Giradeau, MO, about two hours south of here.
An Internets search turned up next to jack shit, so I'm not gonna be able to tell you much about where or how exactly this originated, but a Slinger is basically a hamburger covered with eggs, hash browns and chili. Depending on where you go, it might all be covered with either shredded or liquid 7-11 nachos-style cheese.

It's also worth noting that a) This is not usually the best quality eggs, hamburger and chili to begin with, but b) You can usually get a shiteload of it (like 3lbs worth) for like $4, which helps make up for the questionable quality of said ingredients. And it's the rare occasion when you don't puke it all up an hour later anyway.



This from Sauce Magazine:
The slinger 

Although one tale about the origins of the slinger claims that Irish immigrants settling in St. Louis during the potato famine created the dish as a way to bury the spud under a heaping pile of ingredients, Courtesy Diner owner Larry Rugg has never heard of that story. “It’s just always been around,” he said. 

Courtesy Diner, with two locations in South City, offers a number of variations on the traditional recipe. “The regular slinger is two eggs, hash browns, a hamburger patty and chili,” Rugg said. “Most people also ask for Cheddar cheese and chopped onion. The real die-hards get the Super Slinger, which has either a beef burrito or a tamale on top. We probably sell most of them during the third shift. It’s really popular with the bar crowd.” 

Tamales and burritos have always been a slinger staple at the Courtesy Diner. “A lot of places don’t carry tamales and burritos, so I’m not sure you could get it the same way anywhere else,” Rugg said.

The thing about the Slinger is that it is more important as an idea than a food. It is beyond typical comprehension that you could eat this combination of "foods" and survive. It is an act of will. An act of faith. In college when we did stupid things like this I had an idiot aquaintance who would howl "quienes mas machos?" Which he told me meant who is the macho one? Indeed.


Long Bombs...or Nuclear Bombs?

What is more dramatic...watching Rex Grossman (Rex Grossman) toss up air balls in the Super Bowl or watching terrorists nuke Valencia California on 24? Norman Chad might say the Super Bowl. This from the Couch Slouch:

Ask the Slouch
Question: Since the number of people airborne over the United States at any given hour is about 61,000, how many of them are in danger of being hit by a Rex Grossman pass?

DAVE GRESCHNER Rice Lake, Wis.
Answer: Actually, I'd also fear for those still taxiing on a delayed Delta Airlines flight.

For those of you who do not regularly read Norman Chad: http://www.chron.com/content/chronicle/sports/chad/home/

Perhaps it is not fair to pick on Grossman. He is of course only 12 years old and still has not lost the aggressiveness pounded into him relentlessly in the “Pop Warner” league where he recently cut his teeth.


How does Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) do it? How can reasonable people suspend their disbelief for periods of time in order to watch all this shameless, violent clap trap. Unbelievable bull shit. Totally whacko, non sensical hate, violence, torture....and I love it. I think that reflects very poorly on me... and our country and is exactly what I would expect from FOX. Fair and Balanced. Indeed.

We have terrorists on one hand...blowing up Valencia where my friend Tiemann and his family obviously were killed in the conflagration...I cannot pretend that there is anything else in Valencia that would be missed but Tiemann had at least one salvageable child...perhaps even two and a very nice wife. On the other hand we have the neo cons constantly trying to suspend the constitution so that they can take over the government, save us from the terrorists...and the liberals. Then we have Jack and the good guys but on 24 the “good” guys are an ever changing cast where good guys turn out to be deep cover bad guys and then....ohhh...it is not good.

Whenever I think I am having a bad Monday coming home and getting a taste of Jack Bauer’s day...well that my friends is a bad day. here is nice picture of Kiefer and his puppy. I hope the puppy does not know anything about the nukes or he will have to shoot it in it’s little knee.

Super Bowl R.I.P.

Tony Dungy Seen Here Biting Off Mannings Ear! RUB SOME DIRT ON IT!






SUPER BOWL POST MORTEM!
Their is no joy in the Windy City as the Monsters of the Midway started out strong and sputtered and fluttered and ultimately failed against a superior balanced team playing some pretty good football for this time of the year. It was an exciting half of football. Hester’s run back along with 6 or so turnovers made the first half a see saw nightmare that was some of the most entertaining Super Bowl football in a long time. Not good football. Not by a long shot.

It seemed like most of St. Louis was cheering for the Bears. Indy is closer, more polite, less likely to steal your girlfriend, but Chicago is related to St. Louis in a queer and troubling way that no one can explain. We all hate and feel sorry for the Cubs but I think the city would line up behind them if they ever made it past the Redbirds in the playoffs. Chicago has done some horrible things to us over the years. They sent us the Cardinals when they realized the Bidwill family was a cancer that had to be removed from the city. They constantly over shadow us and St. Louisans treat a trip to Chicago like the residents of Mayberry looked at going in to Mt Pilier. They are the senior partner in the relationship, the dreaded “real city” to our tired, road hard and put up wet collection of people. But we like Chicago. We cheer for them because...well because if we could move the baseball Cardinals there we would all happily move there. It is not that much colder...and they have mass trasportation.

The weather was pleasant...for Vietnam. It looked liked the scenes in Forest Gump where Tom Hanks is discussing all the different types of rain. It rained in torrents, it rained it sheets and it never stopped... it never even looked like it let up. It just poured and I could not help to think how sad I would have been to have bucked up 5k to sit in the rain and get soaked watching teams I really did not care about. I think I would have found a nice warm bar or hotel room and called it a night after the 3rd quarter.

The Man...The Couch Slouch, Norman Chad was right about the point spread being “fools gold my friend....fools gold.” So said Chad in late January. He was wrong about when the game would be over since it was still a game at half time. More importantly he was wrong about Prince splitting his pants. Me...I was wrong about everything. I Took the Bears...and the points...I took the "over." I proved why I need to have a regular job and should not be betting money or setting lines. Half time was not a high point for me. The high point was seeing Rex (airball) Grossman toss up footballs for grabs into groups of Colts where they had to fight over who was going to intercept it. Lovey Smith is too good of a guy for this situation and he will probably start Grossman next year on the basis of, “he got us to the Super Bowl.” What a mistake. This guy looked like a deer in the headlights and the balls he threw...were just so bad. He short armed the ball like a drunk at the passing machine at Dave & Busters. Somewhere his high School quarterback coach found it hard to sleep thinking about all those jump balls he threw up at critical times. But...that is nether here nor there. The better team won. They covered the spread handily and Payton Manning (who does seem like one of God’s own nice guys) and Tony (the long suffering) Dungy get their rings. They will likely not be back next year but it is nice to see nice, talented guys win even if they did it at the expense of those lovable Bears.

Wait till next year. In the never ending sports cycle bridged by the draft it is only a few hours till kick off.

Valentines Day...a mistake and a scam!

Is there a worse holiday then this Hallmark inspired beast from hell. Seriously, is there any other reason for this holiday but to drive the sales of red roses, chocolate and sappy cards? I have been married for 23 years. If I am not paying attention to my wife except on the Holiday am I a good partner? If I am a good husband all year long I can still blow a lot of marital capital by missing one contrived holiday. That is the real problem. Valentines day is a trick bag of nightmares. Sure the Iraqui situation is complicated but it is NOTHING compared to 4:00 on Valentines day when you realize that you have not done anything. And my wife...God bless her, always tells me to just ignore it....but then your a shit bum in other peoples eyes...or perhaps I feel like I have to acknowledge it in some way at least for my kids to see. Perhaps I am afraid that if I do not buy flowers, chocolate and a card the terrorists will win...but for whatever reason I HATE VALENTINES DAY! I feel like I never get it right but it is a day set up to fail.
I have long operated under the assumption and rule that you never send flowers from a position of weakness. In other words if you are in the dog house, the worst thing you can do is bring home flowers. It is a sign of weakness. In regard to emotional terrorists...this administration has a policy of NOT negotiating. There is only one thing to do in these difficult circumstances....duck the event and pray.

We all know “men” who are “good” at Valentines day. These are the type of men who give otherwise good women bad ideas. Ideas about days at the spa TOGETHER...romantic bed and breakfast weekends in the middle of NCAA tournament time...long walks...FOR GOD SAKES WALK AWAY! I also question whether these guys are gay or not. I often question whether they just stumbled upon their own act with that particular lady and whether they could replicate it with another. When I do something like that the supposition is always a lowest common denominator one of “he is being nice to me to get sex.” While this might often be the case certainly I am capable of better....or...maybe not.

So I handle it in the way that only a really sad...poorly adjusted middle aged man (like myself) could handle it. I made a Valentine’s day mix tape off of my iMusic library. I used to do this in high school with cassette tapes. It worked then. So here...for your miserable February...and your ultimate musicalogical edification is the Valentine Day Playlist. Putting together a play list like this is as hopeless as anything else you might try and accomplish on this day. It is almost all explicitly songs with the valentine these but I had to throw in a few sweet songs about love and women. The best one would be Cactus which is the biggest lament to a missing woman....the most moving...and the one with the most brevity....ever.
St. Valentines Day Mix
1. Valentines Day: Steve Earle
2. Valentine Old 97's
3. Oh My Sweet Valentine: Ryan Adams
4. Hey Julie: Fountains of Wayne
5. And It Stoned Me: Van Morrison
6. My Funny Valentine: Elvis Costello
7. Valentine: Maurice Chevalier
8. Valentines Day: Palace Music
9. I'm The Man That Loves You: Jeff Tweedy
10. Valentine: The Replacements
11. Dear Valentine: Guster
12. Valentine: The Smoking Popes (still one of the coolest band names ever)
13. My Valentine: Rhett Miller
14. Valentine: The Psychedelic Furs
15. Valentine: Concrete Blond
16. Wagon Wheel: Old Crow Medecine Show
17. Ain't leaving your love: Peter Case
18. Cactus: Pixies
19. Love Is A Beautiful Thing: Silos
20. Blue Valentines: Tom Waits (the man hisself)

This is why I love Tom Waits so very very much.
She sends me blue valentines
All the way from Philadelphia
To mark the anniversary
Of someone that I used to be
And it feels just like theres
A warrant out for my arrest
Got me checkin in my rearview mirror
And I'm always on the run
Thats why I changed my name
And I didn't think you'd ever find me here

To send me blue valentines
Like half forgotten dreams
Like a pebble in my shoe
As I walk these streets
And the ghost of your memory
Is the thistle in the kiss
And the burgler that can break a roses neck
It's the tatooed broken promise
That I hide beneath my sleeve
And I see you every time I turn my back

She sends me blue valentines
Though I try to remain at large
They're insisting that our love
Must have a eulogy
Why do I save all of this madness
In the nightstand drawer
There to haunt upon my shoulders
Baby I know
I'd be luckier to walk around everywhere I go
With a blind and broken heart
That sleeps beneath my lapel

She sends me my blue valentines
To remind me of my cardinal sin
I can never wash the guilt
Or get these bloodstains off my hands
And it takes a lot of whiskey
To take this nightmares go away
And I cut my bleedin heart out every nite
And I die a little more on each St. Valentines day
Remember that I promised I would
Write you...
These blue valentines
blue valentines
blue valentines

Good luck and God speed. Remember to...get them before they get you.

Record Review 4 Frank Black: "Christmass"

Frank Black: Christmass
"This release is comprised of live Frank Black acoustic recordings from Summer 2006, along with five studio tracks recorded partly in hotel rooms and partly at Planet of Sound studios in Hartford, Connecticut. The set also features a DVD (NTSC format) with selections from one of the live acoustic shows and the whole things features seven new songs in total. Frank only titled this Christmass to satisfy his father, who always asked him to put out a Christmas album, and to reclaim the original spelling. It's a stripped down and intimate affair.

I like Frank Black. Even more then I like the Shins. I did not get on the Pixies the first time around and discovered Frank Black’s solo stuff and finally got back around to The Pixies...who then blew me away...not that you care. Frank Black...fat...bald...and alone with his acoustic guitar and his troubling voice is about as pure performance art as you can get for someone who isn’t even trying. he is creepy in a fascinating way. His songs are straightforward, often nonsensical and always eerily beautiful.

This is no different. There are no surprises here. There do not need to be. last years “Fast Man Raider Man” was a self indulgent double CD that covered a lot of ground but this is some new stuff but mainly a nice acoustic look back. he hammers old Pixies chestnuts “Where Is My Mind?”, “Cactus” and “Wave of Mutilation.” His sol songs are not epochal but it is a nice mix with highlights of “Nadine”, “Raiderman” and “I Burn Today.” The new stuff is all good just because it is new...and it is him.

If you don’t know Frank Black you don’t need this CD but you should go listen to the Pixies. Frank’s stuff is all more stripped down so I like it but the Pixies...rock. The CD comes with a nice DVD performance of a number of the songs. Like I said i love this guy but he is one of the uglier men in the universe. He looks more like Spiderman's nemesis Kingpin then anything else. Then again. I loved Kingpin. The CD is non essential for anything but a fan. 6 SLingers out of 10. here is a pic I took of the dear boy last year at The Duck Room

Snow White and...

Who is going to be President? Come on...seriously....it is only like a year before the first primary, shouldn’t you know by now....loser? Huckabee announced last Sunday and Biden and Romney and Obama and Mc Cain and Clinton and Edwards... who am I forgetting? More importantly...who cares?

I cannot muster a lot of passion for it at this point. I hate the war and want someone to get us out of there but waiting two years seems too insane. Obama is positioning himself nicely by manipulating for a pull out right now. This whole congressional non binding statement opposing the war...can we just shoot these guys? I like O’ Bama. I mean having someone who can actually speak the english language is a HUGE switch. I think he is the kind of guy who could speak and hold my attention. I also think he might be able to inspire me, to call me out, to call us out to be better rather then what our President did after 9-11 which was to urge us to spend more. I mean I do not buy the idea that we are in a “war” anyway. The war on terror reminds me of the war on drugs. An undefined enemy and no way to determine when you have “won.” But if some other parents have their kids over their, dying, getting maimed and living in fear because our President sent them there, shouldn’t the rest of us have to do something? Suffer some inconvenience? Pay more taxes....anything?
So which of these people can really lead? Hilary has repositioned herself in the middle which might or might not be a smart move. More importantly she has that monstrous, smart, hard working Clinton team behind her. Remember the only reason Karl Rove was allowed in as President was because James Carville had served two terms. I could never vote for her but she might make the best President.

Edwards is someone I have always liked. My nose holding vote for Kerry last time had more to do with Edwards then anything else. He is positioning himself on the FAR left. I really like him a great deal. The charm of him for me is that while being a rich plaintiff’s lawyer he is attempting to be a pure populist. I really do think our country could use a populist to take us back to the middle. A Hughie P. Long would be more to my taste but since we obliterated New Orleans that is not an option so we have to settle for one of those east coast southerners. He also has a command of the language and might have the ability to inspire me.

Huckabee could be the new Bill Clinton of the Nazi right. He can speak as well and is charming almost like a Reagan. He was a fat guy who lost a lot of weight. He is sucking up to the religious right but he speaks well enough to be charming. I got to tell you, based on what I have seen I like him. He left his state in a shambles. He spent all the money in the discretionary fund on the way out. He appears to be capable of anything...I like that. What can I say.
Romney and Biden....never is and never was. Mc Cain? I liked him 6 years ago. Now he is old. Now he wants a “surge” to salvage something un-winnable. I still like him a great deal as a person and respect the hell out of him. I don’t think he could win but I think I could vote for him too.

I guess my point is (to the extent that there is) that I like a lot of these guys. I think i could vote for several of them. They have warts. The press will certainly crucify them. We will find out that Obama’s father slept with pigs. Hilary is not actually Bill’s wife but his “double cousin.” Huckabee actually sold his soul to the devil to lose those 150 pounds of krispy kreams. Edwards will eventually be found out to be a used car salesman...perhaps in drag. Who knows what we are going to find out about this crew? Anything is possible but God...I hope I don’t care. I really want to enjoy watching this spectacle. I will pray that someone rises to the top, but as our late friend Hunter Thompson also observed...”the scum also rises.”