Traveling through an airport at 6:00 A.M. Monday morning is one good way to determine whether or not God is mad at you. If you are there... he is. Try and keep it mind and it will explain why so many people are traveling this time of day...why the airport seems ill equipped to deal with this seemingy unexpected flux of people (every day or at least every Monday) and why the Starbucks line is so long as to be laughable.Combine those pleasentries with the Lambert St. Louis International (hah!) Airport and you have a third ring of hell experience. Why did God let you book one of those airlines that board off the A concourse? Because God does indeed have a sense of humor. Breakfast options at the airport...Starbucks pastry, Burger King Croissantwhich (an abomination which by itself explains why Burger King will one day be extinct) and some sausage kingdom place. In other words there are no options. Secerity is nightmarish but when on the C or B (does any plane actually fly out of the B Concourse) you at least know the B security line is going to provide you with a view of the screeners as you line up. That you can go through B security and get to the C concourse is one of the great well kept secrets at Lambert.
TSA is completely overwhelmed and surly on a Monday morning. God will not forgive the person who has the liquid ban rules screwed up. Crying will not help and they do not care that your mascara cost 60 dollars...in fact they enjoy it. People are ugly and unpleasant at this time of day. Everyone got up at 5 or earlier which is not normal and you simply cannot adjust. The best anyone is hoping for is numbness and keeping human contact to a minimum. Not an easy thing to do with 60,000 people at the airport all trying to make their flight and barely allowing enough time.
Another thing... there are no attractive women who travel at this time of day. If you are a good looking woman it would seem God has exempted you from this type of rigor. It is likely that your weekend leaves you too exhausted for this anyway. So you are traveling through winding security lines, balancing your carry on, your briefcase, your winter coat, and maybe coffee and a paper...looking at ugly, unhappy people who are traveling to someplace they do not want to go in order to do something they probably do not want to do.
God is mad at you, you cannot imagine the Grace that was discussed yesterday in a warm church pew surrounded by your family. Grit your teeth, get over it. At least you do not work for TSA and have to listen to the droning recordings all day long as you deal with people like you. Heartened by that thought you should be able to have a better day. Besides...you will probably have to gate check your carry on and sit next to a really fat person on the plane who should have been forced to buy two tickets sooooo...whats your hurry?
4 comments:
The tip on using the B concourse to get to C was...(tear)...beautiful and well worth the effort to read. I'm sorry God is mad at you, but you know he's right...
I really thought God and I had...an understanding. But...thats the thing about God...when your wrong...YOUR really wrong.
(1) BK should be forced to confess that there breakfast sandwich contains only immeasurably trace components of a meat-like substance. However, the breakfast segment accounts for less than 10% of the overall revenue segment and so the domination of the Whopper over the Big Mac will ensure their survival. If only McDonalds would realize that the McRib is perfectly positioned as the nuclear option and would drive all others from the market if only they would appropriately wield it. As it is they are playing the North Korean or Iranian gambit...poorly
(2) Hot girls are stupid, and therefore are exempt from flights to and from substantive meetings. However, the 11 am to 2 pm flights to and from convention locales are chock full O' Babes. The other market segment that is inextricably drawn to (cheap) early morning flights are the overweight white person market who figure getting up 3 hours early to save $20 on the flight is a good deal since they only make $6.75 an hour anyway (less taxes and FICA).
(3) The Starbucks issue shouldn't be a surprise. Without caffeine, our GDP would tumble by 10-15%, and Mexico could invade the entire US just by getting here by 6:05 am. Come to think of it, maybe the legion of undocumented workers is simply the first phalanx of a long-term bloodless invasion. Clever bastards....now hit the snooze button.
I take strong exception to the claim of no hot chicks on the six am flights. They are there, but they are in stealth mode and can only be found waiting to board from the East terminal where the cheap Cancun charters run DC-9s on lease from Flying Tiger Malaysia (styrofoam seats and byob rules in play). With no makeup and 20 minutes sleep from the partying of the night before, these mole-eyed, mottled skinned, beauties can only be identified from their clothing: look for velour sweatsuits and ponytails with ball caps. By the time they reach the beach and rediscover the makeup bag they will be re-born for anotehr round of shots. But that will not help the C concourse traveller on his way to Pennslytucky or some such appalachian outpost.
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