The Finals

So....Ohio State Florida. Who would have thunk it? Apparently everyone but me. Anyway, check the scenarios but the short story is:

Florida means the Ebests win.

Ohio (The Ohio State University) mean that Jamieson (the mighty Wagenfeld) Speidel wins.

In either case I finish somewhere in the 200s.

These semifinals...they were not much. Looks like the best teams won and we have two number 1 seeds going at it.

I hate to curse them but....GO GATORS!

Concert Review Number 2: The Silos

Concert review
March 26, 2007
Off Broadway
The Silos


Soooooooo...lets talk about the venue first. Off Broadway has plane and simple, with the closing of Mississippi Nights been putting on the best shows for a longer time then any venue in St. louis. Always a little beat leaning to the twngy, affected KDHX crowd but thre is really nothing wrong with that. The venue was owned bt the same people for years and they were trying to sell it for years and finally someone bought it. The venue has been kept the same and books the same and looks the same other then losing a lot of the brick-a-brack that hung in the old place. The wagon wheel light still hands prominantly and dominates the room.

But this has always been a screwed up venue. The shows never start before 9 and it does not make any difference whether we are talking Saturday or Monday. That is tolerable even on a Monday but for the fact that they always have a local opening act, along with the opening act, before the main act and...well that is three bands and inevitably that means the band you really want to see never goes on before 11:00 and on a Monday...to start your week, that is just too damn late for daddy. It is another case where I am old and stupid enough that i want to write them a letter... to explain how right I am and how wrong they are...share my wisdom....what an idiot I am.

I don’t remember the name of the opening band. They were good and tuneful. They had a vocalist who souded like Jimmy Ryan of the Blood Oranges and a female singer who could of been in my wife’s family she looked so familiar. I would of been happy with them as the opener. Joe Dee graham was the real opener and the Silos had been touting him on their website for some time. Graham is a songwriter of some repute. Gruff and Waits like in his delivery, every line is heartfelt and fraught with meaning and well...just kind of exhausting. When he got up the crowd that was there to see him became hushed like in church and he strummed and moaned and sang a few songs solo and then he was joined by the Silos who generally had a good time. Walter Salas Hamara who leads the Siols played guitar and on one number even pounded the skins. It is apparent they have an affinity for one another and are enjoying touring together. He did not change my life.

After another small break and getting some air the Silos started their set. I had prepared a set list for them with some of the butcher paper on the bar and crayons. Unfortunately it was disregarded. Their new album, (reviewed earlier in the year on this space) is fine but it is short on the memorable hooks and riffs. Hamara is an amazingly great vocalist and seems to sing so easy. I am certain that he could sing the phone book or an American Equity Mortgage commercial and I would find it beautiful and deep. he just has a great mournful voice. Graham played guitar with the band and stayed in the background and his rhythm section tore it up nicely.

Interspersed with the new material he sang “Take Some Drugs and Drive Aorund”, “When the Telephone Rings” and a few others. The set was kind of uninspired and it was just sooooo late. Beatle Bob was there and I got my first pic of 07 so I have that going for me. Hamara does this brilliant thing where he has an acoustic guitar all rigged up to an effect box and he can play as loud or as soft as he wants and can really rip the cover off of it if he wants to. he has been shaking up the Alt-Country and rock scenes since 93 and his great CD “Cuba” but for my money...get “Susan Across the Ocean.” At his heart he is just a rock and roller but he has a love of poetry and song structure which reward you if you listen...but not tonight. Tonight ne played the new stuff and not much else...and...sadly and embarrassingly enough i left before the encore.
Over all it just was an uninspiring show, Mondays anywhere are tough. Monday nights in St. louis at 11:00 are stone losers and he did not bring enough to carry this one off. I will never hesitate to go see the guy but I didn’t get home till 1:00 and that.... just does not work. I will give it 6 1/2 Slingers on the 10 scale.

Kukla...He is BAAAACK!

KUKLA WITH ONE OF HIS MANY...MANY WOMEN.


So it is Saturday of Final 4 and we are entering the final phase of the joyous March ride before we enter the long dark tea time of our souls...baseball opening day, hockey and NBA playoffs...nothing really good happens till The Tour de France other then of course The Masters and the Kentucky Derby. If someone can figure out a way to collectively bet and compete on those events KUBE is of course open for suggestion.
In light of the return of the Donald and The Donald regarining his freedom (however briefly) with the help of his wife and a quality bail bondmen I turn over todays Komment section to reflections the The Donald...and by the Donald:

***

From The Suck Up Laura Hessel:
I don't think Don really has a dark side. Personally, I think it was a case of temporary insanity brought on by being on a boat for five plus days with a bunch of 18 - 22 year old women (likely in bikinis).
As you can probably attest, that can reek havoc on pretty much any self-respecting man given enough time!
I am staying loyal to Kukla, but that is probably because he signs my paychecks and I like getting paid . .. .
P.S. Did you notice that someone was brazen enough to call me Don's real #2. It was posted as anonymous but I don't think you should just let that go!
****
From The Rock Island Crowd:
We have for a long time now lovingly referred to Don as Mr. MellowJ
Luv ya Don! Karen and Bill!

***
Kukla In Defense of Himself:
Greetings from the Gulf of Mexico
Against common knowledge, all of the outdated classic casinos of Las Vegas have not been imploded and destroyed - at least one has been attached to a barge and is now called the "Fantasy" and is part of the Carnival cruise line fleet. I feel like I am trapped inside of the old Sands hotel, surrounded by water and over weight people contemplating their next meal - which is, whenever they want to eat - again! No, maybe it is the Dunes or the Sahara - pick one.
With limited connectivity and little time between meals, I have finally updated the KUBE Klassik standings and posted the 8 final scenarios. I can not believe that I actually have to root for Ohio State in one last game, for if they are beat by UCLA in the final game, KUBE nation is in the money. Check out the web site for info and possibly more comments on the blog - assuming Becker has not been curled up in a corner fetal position while I have been away, there may be new things to read.
There is very little consistency in each of the outcomes, so many folks still have a chance for cash.
Good Luck!

****
From The Comments Section On The Blog:
the pressure cooker said...
It has become uncomfortably clear over the past several years that Kukla is responsible for well over 90% of graft involved in NCAA wagering. Ech year we are promised a grand KUBE Ball replete with cocktails (which Becker still calls "hi-balls"), roaming zoo animals, complimentary chair massages and QT gift bags. KUBE never comes thru. I therefore propose Kukla be in some fashion, hobbled, or chemically castrated with liberal use a hand-crafted slurry of tamoxifen and Saltpeter. This is not extreme. Kukla's bland, actuarial countenance stands in stark contrast to a man with the larcenous soul of a swamp vole.
March 30, 2007 8:04 AM


mab said...
It is insight like this which really provides the value of the KUBE. We have not had enough of the give and take and I think bringing up Kukla's "dark side" is long over due.

I think it might be worthwhile if everyone posted to this space some recollection regarding a memory of Don which belied his calm and kind demeanor and fortold THE DONALD that we are seeing today.

Let me start...I witnessed Don Kill a man in Mexico over a Bazooka Joe Comic and a broken plastic magnifying glass from a Cracker Jack Box.
March 30, 2007 8:31 AM


inside informant said...
In 2006 Don faked his way into the boxing competition at the Paralympics in Athens by hiding his left arm in his shirt and pretending it was missing. He entered the arena for the championship bout on a chariot pulled by a team of midget greco-roman wrestlers. 

After the first two rounds Don and the one armed Romanian he was fighting were locked in tie at one round a piece. Don just started laughing and complimented the Romanian, "You are quite wonderful".
The Romanian responded, "Thank you; I've worked hard to become so"
Don conceded, "I admit it, you are better than I am"
The Romanian looked confused and said, "Then why are you smiling?"
Don's smile turned straight and he said with a unnerving look in his eye, "because I know something you don't"

At that point Don pulled his left arm out of his shirt, and pummeled the Romanian within an inch of his life.

Then on the medal stand with the Romanian sobbing with the silver, Don leaned over and said, "your wife's pregnant, you will call the baby Kukla"
March 30, 2007 9:03 AM


pod said...
The unfortunate olympic event was not Kukla's first foray into cuckholdry. I recall a young Kukla who spent his high school summer evenings cleaning the stalls of a now closed Festus fertility clinic. Alone, at night, and without permission, Kuckla hatched a plan to create a clandestine Kuckla army, secretly replacing the partially conceived off-spring of the unwitting with his own, horribly twisted DNA. His plan was only discovered after third and fourth grade teachers from Desloge, Herculaneum, and Crystal City noticed uncanny similarities running throughout their classes: crisply creased brooks brothers khakis with sensible blue buttondowns, a penchant for designer eye glass frames and a feakish inability to throw like a boy. Most of these bespeckled miscreants can be found working in various financial institutions throughout the midwest. No one's money can now be regarded as safe.
March 30, 2007 11:07 AM

Sadly...things are not going as well for Mr. Becker:

FINAL FOUR

Sooooo....we finally hear from Kukla.... only by way of the mojo wire.... and he had the audacity to follow through and place the new standings and scenarios on the web. He of course is sitting with his fat kuban cigar...with his bevy of young women...sipping Sea Breezes...lighting his cigars with 100 dollar bills wrongly taken from the KUBE funds... The only reason he even updated the stats was my trip to the U.S. Atorneys office which caused him to receive a nasty phone call from Katherine Hannaway.

We will not even address his absence from the country or whether or not he will ba allowed to return. The main thing is that at this point we are all just paying for pride. The money is gone so we just have to see it through and play for the dignity of having picked one of the top seeds to go all the way. Oooooh...isnt that so bold?

So we have the Ebests leading rightt now. The Ebest’s are part of the Dierberg real estate empire and have no need for money. If there was prize money involved any longer they would happily donate it back to the pot becuase that is just the way it is. So if Florida beats Georgetown...they win. If Georgetown beats Florida we have that damn Irish drunk dog, Gonnermans gay fish and Helen Davidson...Kevin’s pet. This scenario is a disaster.


Florida over Ohio State and you have Ebest again and a few more pets including what is VERY likely an illegal immigrant that the Hessels have been sheltering. Ohio over Florida gives you the first Wagenfeld Levine scenario with Jamieson (psycho killer) Speidel winning it all and a caselton and a WEBER (why all caps rounding out the pack.

UCLA over georgetown gets us yet another Hessel, the hated Blue Horseshoe and one of those Vance’s likely from Nebraska. Georgetown over UCLA gets us the drunk dog, a pupillo (no caps) and someone named Foral. UCLA over Florida gives us the Vance kid, the hated Donald and a Hessel chick who is NOT Laura. The final scenario of Ohio State over UCLA nets us a shapiro, a hall and for God sakes a Mishelak. Yet another doomsday scenario.

No matter what the Grummer lady loses. BY THE WAY...KUBE OWES GORGETTE A PROFOUND APOLOGY! Mogerman tricked her into playing and convinced her that 16 seeds were actually rated higher then the others. She is closely followed by Herbig and Lenore (Kukla) Becker. The Winland chick also is beat for beat with them. The sad thing is that all of them are being beaten by Kukla’s retarded cat Ozzie. Zerman is considering injuntive action figuring that if he is not winning...the whole thing must be fixed...INDEED!

*****
Late breaking KUBE Knews!
Kukla has returned to the country and is being returned to St. louis...in cuffs. He said it was all “an accounting nightmare,” “a big misunderstanding,” and he “invested” the money and if we just wait until the real estate market turns the winner will get paid. We will have him questioned and beaten... then we will see where we go from there. In the mean time...let the FINAL 4 begin. And by the way...GO GEORGETOWN!

The Donald....On The Run!

Sooooo... what to do about Donald T. (the Donald) Kukla? Kukla has, as previously documented disappeared with ALL the KUBE funds. He is somewhere in the Caribbean or Mexico and according to our information he is sitting at a Starbucks with wireless internet somewhere in Cancun or the like directing the multiple transfers of his ill gotten gains. While doing that he has NOT updated our brackets...we have no idea of the possible scenarios as we proceed...to the final four. This is a nightmare.

Lets look at the man Don Kukla. KUBE founder...heading up this organization for nigh on twenty years. He evidently was deep mole for some clandestine organization. Despite the questionable company he might have kept (Becker, O’Meara, Blair, West... well the list goes on and on) no one, even his own wife could have suspected this type of treachery.

On Wednesday Becker is meeting with agents of the U.S. Attorneys office (yes that U.S. Attorneys Office on the 20th floor of the Federal Courthouse) in order to begin the pnderous process of indicting and extraditing Kukla from whereever in God’s name he has run off to. In the mean time we have a team of experts working on reconstructing the computer data so that eventually brackets can updated and published for the KUBE world at large.

KUBE Management will not rest Kukla is brought to justice and the prize pot is returned. Upon this...you have my pledge. Any of you with information regarding Kukla’s whereabouts should contact KUBE Management immediately or just go ahead and call the FBI.

We will find Kukla. We will find the money. Jack bauer will secure the two remaining suitcase nuclear bombs. Global warming will be halted. Housing starts will rebound. Spring will come....”Don’t fear the reaper.”

Sooooo... what to do about Donald T. (the Donald) Kukla? Kukla has, as previously documented disappeared with ALL the KUBE funds. He is somewhere in the Caribbean or Mexico and according to our information he is sitting at a Starbucks with wireless internet somewhere in Cancun or the like directing the multiple transfers of his ill gotten gains. While doing that he has NOT updated our brackets...we have no idea of the possible scenarios as we proceed...to the final four. This is a nightmare.
Lets look at the man Don Kukla. KUBE founder...heading up this organization for nigh on twenty years. He evidently was deep mole for some clandestine organization. Despite the questionable company he might have kept (Becker, O’Meara, Blair, West... well the list goes on and on) no one, even his own wife could have suspected this type of treachery.

On Wednesday Becker is meeting with agents of the U.S. Attorneys office (yes that U.S. Attorneys Office on the 20th floor of the Federal Courthouse) in order to begin the pnderous process of indicting and extraditing Kukla from whereever in God’s name he has run off to. In the mean time we have a team of experts working on reconstructing the computer data so that eventually brackets can updated and published for the KUBE world at large.

KUBE Management will not rest Kukla is brought to justice and the prize pot is returned. Upon this...you have my pledge. Any of you with information regarding Kukla’s whereabouts should contact KUBE Management immediately or just go ahead and call the FBI.

We will find Kukla. We will find the money. Jack bauer will secure the two remaining suitcase nuclear bombs. Global warming will be halted. Housing starts will rebound. Spring will come....”Don’t fear the reaper.”

Kukla and Missing Funds!

So...I hate Ohio State. Not as bad as I hate Notre Dame who I always hated and would never bet on until I did this time and then whatever the basketball component is to Tocudown Jesus totally betrayed me early in the tournament. But Ohio State...like 45,000 undergrads...in the middle of Ohio or in the middle of northern Ohio... and their Buckeyes and...they are just so...in love with themselves. I hate em. I love Michigan.. .perhaps thats it...I love Michigan so...I have to hate Ohio State. Memphis...formerly memphis State has about 15,000 kids and used to be coached by some of the greatest criminals in the game. Tax fraud and recruiting scandals...all the things that make basketball great.

UCLA and Kansas...that was the first time we saw a 1 seed lose. It was a good game but the Jayhawks...they did not show up. UCLA is a very good team but it was a very boring defensive game. I guess I should be excited that a number one seed fell out of the tournament but seriously...it was justa number two. I really cannot invest emotionally in UCLA’s “underdog” status. The only reasont that they were not a one seed is that they slept through the PAC 10 tournament. I guess the only thing of import is... Mike Johnson bit the dust with his pick of KU as numero uno.

Inspector Becker Looking Into Allegations Regarding The Missing KUBE Funds!



Seeing all these 1 and 2 seeds in the final 8 and now the final 4 has provided some awesome basketball and some close games but.. I do not have a lot of passion for it. Sure 1 and 2 seed playing each other is great but these top ranked schools are all coached by these genius guys and all these great...great players.... but there is not a lot of passion but... they play like beautiful robots....they run the program. They slash, they cut, they kick out to the guy for the 3 when they are blocked and... that guy is always looking for the interior pass before they shoot. They are awesome. But not a lot of fun.

I like fun. I mean Butler was NOT a cindarella but they had a nice story. It was not all basketball factory with 3 million dollar coach and a collection of several states “Mr. Basketballs” filled out with Mc Donald’s All Americans who even though they grew up in East L.A. somehow ended up at excellent east coast college prep academies (basketball farms). The torunament is just more fun with a George Mason and a Southern Illinois or someone making a run.

But it is Sunday Morning and that is not what we got. I feel bad for Bill Self. he is a nice guy and he will be back, with his own players. UCLA... who cares? Ohio State? Poison! Today I will be cheering for Gerogetown. It would be too grim to have North Carolina, Florida, Ohio State and UCLA. It is grim no matter what but... they will be great games.
******
Sunday Evening!
What a day of basketball! Florida played a game Oregon team but the result was rarely not in question. For the first time in the tournament Joachim Noah and company played with some real passion. They were never out of control of the game. Later in the day there was the Georgetown game where they were playing number one seed North Carolina. It was a great game. A seesaw battle that seed and sawed throught two halves and into overtime at which time it teetered...then tottered to Georgetown. It was a very exciting game and Georgetown just pounded on them in overtime.

So now we have UCLA, Georgetown, Ohio State and Florida in the Final 4. The Kansas and North carolina backers.... dead. Now we don’t know what is going to be happening. Johnson, Sheahan, Winkeler, Shapiro and Curtis...all dead. That damn dog looks like it is tough position but the folks with 1 seeds look poised to do some serious damage. We will see when Kukla and his minions get the results posted for the pre Final 4 standings. In the mean time keep your out for Kukla and his posse. As stated above in The Daily Kubian, Kukla has run off to the Carribean with over a dozen 18 year old girls and ALL of our funds. The authorities...will be advised!

Johnson & Johnson

KUBE NCAA HEADLINES:

Lily the dog runs off with Saluki mascot. Family urges police inquiry in Carbondale but informed by local authorities that as long as both dogs consent that the age of the Lily (8 months) is “not a big deal.” Family hangs its head in shame.

Jim and Shayo Mowen’s dog was found driving a car southbound on 61, heading for the St. Louis regional games. The policemen was unconcerned regarding the dog driving the car but did take objection to a trunk which was alledgedly filled with ice and Mickey’s Big Mouth Malt Liquor....and an underaged poodle.

Mike and Kelly Johnson’s joint jump into the top five is being investigated. KUBE Kommissioners frustrated by inabilitty to take meaningful hair sample from Mike to conduct drug testing. KUBE konsiders kouples kompetition for next year.

Mike (152nd) Becker kontemplates giving up gambling!

Mike Flavin Jr. (the good looking Mike Flavin) is perched in position 121 with Oregon. Watch Out America!

***

What A Team, What A Time, What A Town!We always cheer for underdogs and mid/major conference schools (what are the Minor conferences exactly if that SWAC is a Mid-Major?) but what a tournament this year has been. The hated selection committee has done an outstanding job and Thursday and Friday treated the NCAA public to quite simply 8 of the most exciting basketball games of the year. All 4 top seeds go into the final eight and i think everyone elese left is a 2 or 3 seed. Nearly all the games have been close and all results were hotly contested with near updest for the likes of the Butler Bull Dogs and Vanderbilt Commodores. Good stuff indeed.

KUBE Management is indeed concerned regarding the Johnsons apparent dominance of this years tourny. It seems very suspicious and it also seems like they are trying to gang up on crowd favorite Murphy The Dog. Murphy is still well positioned as are all the top contenders who have a variety of the top seeds along with Georgetown and UCLA. No one has Memphis or Oregon. The Ebest’s are on the move with a high possible point total and Florida and the hated and much reviled Blue Horseshoe has been edged out by other UCLA pickers avoiding a horrendous repeat champion. Ryan Dierberg (as one would would expect someone at Penn to be) is tied with himself at 135 which is impressive in some way I cannot really express.

How about that Gorgette Grummer. Maxed out her points at 116 in possibly the worst KUBE effort...ever. Tommy o’ Hare is narrowly beating out Bandit the Dog and Ozzie the cat for the rest of the bottom rung. It is comforting not to see Mogerman here this year but seriously...if your pet picked as poorly as Bandit and Ozzie...maybe it is time to do the right thing and call the ASCPA and have these guys put to rest. Seriously, is a pet that stupid good to anyone? You certainly do not want them breeding. Take care of this folks. Of course according to that same theory Gorgette and Tommy...well... it is what it is.

PICTURE OF BANDIT TRYING SADLY TO COMMIT SUICIDE

Marmaduke v. Murphy (Cage Match)

Well...this is awkward. Evidently printing Murphy's pic on the blog was not smart. KUBE has recieved a cease and decist letter from the Marmaduke people. Evidently they are concerned that Murphy has infringed upon their trademark. We at KUBE have done the "right" thing and given them Murphy's owners name and address and contact information. We will let the lawyers figure it out. In the mean time we have received Murphy's explanation of how he made his picks. I look forward with some interest to receiving insight as to how the other pets made their picks. Do not disappoint me. Here is MURPHY:

Given I am in first place, after the first two rounds, there has been considerable pressure to reveal my methodology. As hunting season winds down in late winter, I assume my customary position on the family couch. More often then not, Mizzou basketball is on the TV. However, I must say that predicting Missouri's exit from the Big 12 tournament was so simple, it was almost beneath me. Anyway, from this couch one begins to gather a certain sense regarding the who's who of college basketball. Once the brackets came out, I attempted to point to each winner's name in the paper. But with gangly legs and rather large paws, I tore through several sports sections before giving up. In the end, I set up a conference call with myself, the family and Billy Packer. You have the results before you. Hmmm, simple canine he says!!!! Insulting.

As for Georgetown:
(a) the Hoya's mascot is "Jack the Bulldog" (in my world, this is what we call a no brainer)
(b) they have a 7 foot 2 inch center that weighs 278 pounds named Roy Hibbert (it seems to me, the closer you are to the rim, the easier the game may be)
(c) they have Patrick Ewing Jr. and their coach is John Thompson III (something about lineage)
For those interested in what a Hoya is, here you go: http://www.thehoya.com/about/what.cfm

***

Murphy seems pretty bright to me and a little arrogant especially for a dog that does not look like a purebread to me...in fact the dog's head shape looks suspiciously like my partner David Kowert. Concidence?

In the mean time Becker the Wrecker is already claiming his funds probably to be used on.... well... it is best not to contemplate. We3 will see what we hear from the other pets. The game is on!

It Is Indeed A Dog's Life (Apparently An Irish Dog At That

Sunday Night! Disaster has struck the NCAA's as all of the top seeds other then those poor sad kids from Wisconsin has moved on. This writers brackets are long since wadded up in the trash can...as i need to...yes...heep scorn upon myself. Who could ever chose a young team like Texas to win it all? An idiot...that is who. Texas folded like the proverbial cheap deck chair and I will get to watch over the next several weeks as my rank drops...and drops...and drops.

Our current lead is the handsome, yet elequent Murphy The Dog. We will be looking forward to Murphy's essay regarding how he made his picks. How indeed. The dog looks innocent enough...perhaps even damaged mentally in some way so how did this...simple canine...this large...possibly evil dog get into the lead and pick Georgetown (BRILLIANT) to win it all. We will be doing some investigating into the dogs background but it is not beyond our experience in this tournament that certain competitors are indeed,,,in league with the devil.

On an even more troubling knote Becker (The Wrecker) won our first round prize of having the lowest possible seed advance. According to KUBE Central Kommand about 16 people also had UNLV advancing but under the patented KUBE Modified Scoring System the Wrecker had the lowest total points and he wins the prize. Troubling indeed.

Our top five entries all have different Champions so they are going to be tough...very tough for the rest of the field to catch up to...not impossible...but tough. The hated Blue Horseshoe looms way down the list with the equally reviled UCLA Bruins...

Way...way....waaaaaaaay down at the bottom of the bracket is that finicky feline who lives at the depot...Ozzie the Kat Kukla. Evidently all of his Cat, Wildcat, Cougar and other picks have gone by the wayside. Anyway Ozzie..go play with a ball of string...or drag a dead bird into the kitchen because this clearly is not your thing.

I am still awaiting essays from a number of our pet contestants. Ideally I would like to post the essay with the picture for the edification of the KUBE public. Do not let me down. There will be consequences. Go Hoyas.

St. Pat's Saturday

So...Saturday night on a plane home from Vegas. Always go home on Saturday because going home on Sunday, with the time change makes Monday a full on depression disaster...especially three nights in Vegas betting and perhaps drinking too much.

I do not know the results of todays late games. Georgetown had come back and was looking like they would win and not cover the spread when I got on the plane. Louisville TANKED late and lost and failed to cover and Maryland did the same. Those were three of my key betting picks today and along with the faailed and now much reviled Notre Dame squad made up the meat of my brackets. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

The top seeds all continue to look smart although Xavier gave OSU too hard of a time with too little talent. I still have high hopes for Texas but do not belive they will be able to carry me to any respectable finish.

We got good news on the home front today as Webster Groves took our kids into custody and Lily was adopted by the people who own Cousin Hugos. Evidently she wandered in on St. Pats day with some shamrock antenae ears on and charmed everyone into a few bowls of green beer. Wr are going to miss that dog. While on the topic a lot of drunks in Vegas were donning the green in an annual sad excuse for excess (the only worse example I can think of are the sudden “mexicanization” of our country on Cinco De Mayo and St. Louis’ own sad, sad, claiming of Mardi Gras) that leads people from all ethnicities but primarily 20 and 30 somethings to go on a drunken binge during daylight hours. The site of people with names like Schwente and and Bummler grasping for a day of “Irish Pride” should be a source of shame for the entire country. Find your own holiday and claim it as your own...like Tuesday for example.

Kudos to THE DONALD for this years stat sheets. A lot of on the road updating from the mobile KUBE back office. Obviously there is a LOT to find troubling about the state posted after Friday games. Tim Sheahan leading? How can that be? Who is he? How did he know our secrets? Behind him Shapiro, Winkeler and the dreaded Luke (I am your father Luke) Kissam...who if memory serves correctly abandoned our fair city. Most troubling of course is Blue Horseshoe...looming again in 6th place, stalking the leaders with UCLA as his champion. Dark days indeed. We do not see a lot of family groupings other then those Shapiros and yes it would appear that Logan Finnerty is AGAIN going to be humiliated by his mom. We will check back on Monday with an update of the new stats and some commentary and abuse of the losers.

So...they are telling me that portable elctronics must be stowed in preperation for our descent into St. Louis and it much colder here then in Vegas...we will se what the tournament God’s bring us tomorrow but no matter what we will get our fill of fun and basketball for another period of time until that long dark tea time of the soul that is April and May and all the tired prognisticating of baseball blowhards as meaningless baseball games are played in their 100+ game season and the country gears up for NBA and NHL finals which no one in St. Louis has cared about for a long time. Pitchers and catchers report...the Tour De France is still 3 1/2 months away...enjoy this while you can.

FRIDAY RECAP (Mid day)

So, round 1 is over. 16 games on Thursday. 16 games more today. Carnage everywhere. The favorites all won and all covered (as a rul) on Thursday...not so much on Friday. Money flowing out of my wallet in a torrentearly in the day has been reduced to a trickle as all sources of funding have been exhausted. Conteplating a trip the plasma center for $25.00 more. The ATM literally laughed at me in a mechanical voice when i tried to get some additional funds. Cashed in the plane tickets...but it is all good because I have a much better feeling regarding the Saturday’s games.

In that regard I am putting in an open plea to Kukla to allow me to “leverage” your entry fees by going to Western Union and wiring maybe a grand out to daddy...here on the ground where I can put all those good instincts regarding Saturdays games.
My dog Lily has called twice...evidently there are some issues with Doggy Day Care over the fact that I maxed out my charge cards yesterday. Evidently they are kicking the dog out on the street. I have not had the heart to tell my wife yet. She is rather attached to the dog but after reading the dog’s picks on Wednesday I am frankly a little tired of her uppity attitude. And what about doggy day care? We did not leave anyone to take care of our children. They are running amok in Webster unsupervised...my 14 year old daughter throwing raucous parties as the neighbors have put the police on speed dial and have been called to the house several times. Fortunately we have turned the cell phones off so no problem there. But my wife IS concerned about the dog.

She is also concerned regarding my mental health and over all book making abilities. Regular readers (who understand the discipline that is the hallmark with which I lead my life) will find it hard to believe but I got VERY little sleep and woke up... in poor health. Taht is the only reason I can think of that I bet that ALBANY would beat Virginia. Either that or I had a stroke which is also possible. Why would ANY rational adult POSSIBLY think that the Albany Grayhounds could beat the Clayton Grayhounds, much less a major college program from a major conference? I also broke with a long antipathy towards Notre Dame and had them going to the third round in brackets and announced them as a “lock” when playing over rated Winthrop. At best you could call this an idiotic incident. At worst it is a financial catstrophe. My wife is leaning towrds describing it as the latter and evidently she has already retained Mogerman so... I will be moving back to my parents basement soon...and they do not even have cable.

Had fun in the bookshop today despite losing primarily because of the Wisconsin fans. Spent the first half mercilessly making fun of them (I did not bet the game) as they fell behind badly to Texas A&M CC (Community College?). Then made a second have bet with them (because certainly they would not continue to shoot 13% from the field) and won and was best friends with the Badgers. Allegiances and loyalties shift quickly in the ugly world of gambling.
My other major betting faux pas was taking Long Beach State over Tennessee? I will likely need some professional counseling to work out why that happened.

Lets call this a plea for help to those of you back home in St. Louis but let me recap what I need:

1. Money from Kukla wired (A grand will keep me through tomorrow).
2. If someone would begin looking for my dog...the Doggy Day Care place is on Laclede Station near Hanley...if I know the dog it can probably be found on the corner stool at Cousin Hugos. DO NOT under any circumstances obligate me to pay the dog’s bar tab. If the dog has been drinking Jamiesons...just back out of the bar and go on your way. She is a mean drunk.
3. Consider calling DFS and having them take charge of our kids. We might or not make it back.

Kukla was snowed in, in NYC and is on a train to baltimore ro catch a plane to St. Louis in his own little, sad version of Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Out thoughts are with you capitain and do not forget to wire daddy some cash. Internet connections at Ballys cost $11.99 per day by the way. Thanks for the help. If they do not kick us out of Ballys we may be able to keep in touch.

TIP OFF 220 PLUS KUBISTS

Vegas Baby!





It is Wednesday night and the tournament starts tomorrow. Mrs. Becker and I are ensconced in a luxury suite at Bellagio (in my dreams) and she is sitting with Street and Smiths NCAA Tournament review and quizzing me on point spreads for tomorrows betting. Mrs. Becker takes and active roll in my betting and gambling and is constantly amazed at the “clever” bets that I make. She has suggested that instead of going to the windows and betting college basketball for the next 4 days that I could just hand her $1,000.00 dollars and she could kick me in the crotch and we could fly home. She is very supportive.

Tomorrow I will go down to Bally’s book shop at 6:00 A.M. I will wake up my nephew (Gates) who has been sleeping on 4 chairs there for me since 3:30 A.M. when he drunkenly crawled in from The Palm or the Hard Rock or wherever he and his pathetic, drunken, stupid friends have been unsuccessfully chasing girls (are they still girls at 28 or 29?) all night. It is possible that he will have dried vomit somewhere on his clothes. He will then go to his room (read his parents room) and crash for a few hours showing up some time in the late morning (hopefully after a brief shower). I will set large masses of Newspapers and tip sheets on several places in an effort to “save” them for later. This is very stressful as people do not react well to getting up at 7 and finding that they do not have a place to sit. I have perfected my system over several years. It has a great to do with lack of eye contact and moxy.

Bally’s book shop is set up as a coliseum with tierd seating moving up from the betting windows and 4 large screen projection TV’s which normally broadcast racing are all on the various CBS satellite feeds. Bally’s book shop is old and weathered at this point having been around in basically this form for at least 20 years and for me...on this weekend....it is home.

Around 7:00 they open the Stage Deli which is only a few feet away and I will order my first breakfast of the day and get an iced tea. The rest of the early morning is spent reading the paper, analyzing the point spreads, betting absurd 4 team parlays (flushing money down toilet) trying to pick winners of each of the regional brackets and making silly bets on them, and waiting. I wait for two things. One is for my lovely wife to come down stairs from her slumber. I wait for her arrival for several reasons:

1. It means the start of my second breakfast because she wants to eat;
2. It means that I have the value of her company and insight as I squander the re mainder of money we had set aside to educate our children and/or retire on;
3. It normally means I can start to drink; and
4. Sometimes she is able to stop me from betting a 100 dollar 7 team parlay, even after I have explained to her that it is a “lock.”

The second thing I wait for is 9:20 A.M. Because 9:20 A.M. on the west coast is 12:20 on the east coast and that means “TIP OFF!” The book shop is filled to over flowing. there are not enough seats so people are standing in the aisles and in back the crowd spills out into the concourse. The crowd is 97.8% male. I only know this because over the years, sitting my wife I have noticed that groups of men seem to come to this event and their language and behavior can best be described as...colorful. But when 9:00 A.M. comes along it is a big cheer as the first ball is tipped. Everyone is here for the same reason and as that first ball goes into the air it is the first whoop of the day. At this point a large number of men are drunk and some are already hostile as they believe based on their team losing the tip that they are “totally screwed.” There will be a group of 50 people standing in line who did not get their bets down on the first game before it tipped off. This is because they did not line up soon enough and because also, the casino refuses to staff up for this early morning crowd other then in bringing in additional cocktail waitresses.

You have to remember that the NCAA Tournament bettor is a sick, sad individual. Unlike most of you who have regular jobs and value relationships with the opposite sex, sometimes even leaving your parents basement or the closest sports bar to conduct the business of life, these guys (and almost all compulsive gamblers outside of slot machines tend to be men) have absolutely NOTHING else in there lives. Even if they do...they put it aside for a few days in mid March for the start of the NCAA’s. As i said, it is almost all men and my wife is alternately shocked and amused (often based on her own alcohol consumption) by the level of banter and intellectual acument displayed by the herding males. To say the conversation is inappropriate and ugly is an understatement. Men on their own without the control of spouses are a problem. Add unlimited alcohol and a 7:00 A.M. start time by the first tip it is hard to live through.

From the First tip on Thursday. Through the afternoon and early evening Sunday there will be 48 games played. Every one will have a ton of money on the game. There are a minimum of 30 packed book shops in Vegas and there are a lot of people who just place their bets and then go gamble or walk around keeping updated on the TV’s but the games are on EVERY TV in the casino. It is exhausting and wonderful.

***
THURSDAY UPDATE
We go to the bookshop at Bally’s where I always set up shop and we have a packed house. I was dutifully there at 5:45 A.M. after 5 gruelling hours of sleep and the places I attempted to reservge by putting threatening signs in place were still there. I camped out as described above and by the tip of the Maryland/Davidson game had put some money down. It was a good first set of games at 9:00 and I hit all three in a Parley with a straight bet on Maryland and the under in thst game. I had Louisville who humiliated Stanford and Boston College who squeezed Bobby Knight out. Maryland and the under looked bad for the first have but the 2nd was awesome for me and they covered and came in under 157 points. The three team parley paid well. I am happy.

Most interesting even of the day was being in the bathroom at Bally’s and hearing a guy in the handicapped stall doing a phone job interview. Several of us stopped to list as he said “Well my strengths are that I work well with people and I am a creative problem (FLUSH) solver.” If I could hired him...I would of. Brilliant multi tasking.
It was an interesting day. It looks like all favorites and a lot of them covered absurdly large spreads. So much for parity and so much for the mid majors whining.

The KUBE has in the past run into technical difficulties keeping everyone up to date but with new modern technology and Al Gore’s internet I promise to bore you with every inane observation as I watch grown men sob like little baby girls as their team misses that last three pointer to go down in flames.
I hope you all got your brackets in. We had a few early technical glitches with MAC people and I kept giving the wrong web site but other then that it is, or it appears to be ALL GOOD. Don (”The Money”) Kukla informs us that we have 220 or so players and will soon calculate payoffs. I will pass along details as to how many people still owe and who they are and then go about destroying their lives.

Get your money in. God Bless and goodnight....
“We were somewhere in the middle of the desert around Barstow when the drugs began to take hold.”-Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Lily The Dog Makes Her Picks!

Lily Becker’s NCAA Pool Picks (It’s a dog’s life)


My name is Lily Becker and I am a rescue dog held hostage by the Becker’s and their deeply troubled children for the last 5 or 6 months. They were told that I am a mix between a Jack Russel Terrier and a Beagle but this is a lie...I am a pit bull. The Beckers are in denial over this. (I might or might not have eaten their 4th child Mike Jr.)

Being 6 or 9 months old (I have no idea since I was abandoned by my parents) this is my first NCAA tournament and I am VERY excited. I have chosen my picks very carefully, logged onto the Becker’s computer every night for on-line information and am very pleased with my selections for the 2007 brackets.

Obviously I am loyal to all of the dog or dawg teams. I picked the Salukis to win it all because quite simply it is their year and when I run away I fully plan to find my way to Carbondale and live with coach Lowery who clearly is an animal lover based on the loving way he coaches his team. These guys rebound like animals and it is time for the Valley to shine.

If teams do not have dog names then I either picked them because they had animal mascots that were not offensive to me or they had a coach who looks, acts or dresses like a dog. I was deeply disappointed to find out that Quinn Shneider is no longer coaching. He was quite a dog. I am specifically not picking any teams with offensive names that disparage Native Americans. I do not know what Native Americans are but Mr. Becker pointed out one to me on the “Land o’ Lakes” butter container. He looked funny and I do not think we should make fun of people who look funny. If I had a chance i would certainly take a bite out of Chief Illiniwek.

I als picked the Gonzaga Bulldogs, the Butler Bulldogs, the Georgetown Hoyas (do not know what a Hoya is but it looks like a dog). Why doesnt everyone have dog mascots and why is there no major college team called the Grayhounds? I would love to be a Grayhound. I would also like more rawhide chew toys and a real opportunity to eat Mrs. Becker’s slippers...but I digress.

Look out for my bastard cousins, the Wolfpack of Nevada, as well as the Albany Great Danes (Great Name). I also like the Commodores because I am a girl dog and I like men in uniform.

My idiot master has not learned how to rotate pictures on his blog. I cannot actually sit sideways.

I made my picks by telling them to Mrs. Becker. She talks to me most of the day (a lot of people in the Becker family seem to talk to me) but she is the only one who listens when I talk back. The rest of the family seems self involved. She atempted to get me to pick the teams from Christian schools like Notre Dame and Gonzaga but as Lutheran I know that dogs do not go to heaven so I am at best ambivalent regarding Christianity.

I will watch with interest to see what other pets enter the tournament pool to see if I can meet friends with similar interests to mine.

GO SALUKIS!

KUBE RULES AND MONDAY KNEWS AND KNOTES

2007 KUBE NCAA RULES REGULATIONS: Unofficial, Kuklas Rules Are The Real One But These Are Essential!

www.kubeklassik.com

1. Blue Horseshoe cannot win.

2. $10.00 entry fee must be received prior to first tip off of first game in round of 64. If you do not get your money in prior to tip off...the terorists win. Remember pick ing on line is easy, getting money to Kukla is not so easy.

3. If you have not gotten your fee to a KUBE Kollektor your 10.00 fee you will be removed from the active rolls and listed in the cheater dead beat rolls as of 5:00 on Friday of game week. Once you are in dead beat rolls you are still obligated to pay. ONCE YOU SUBMIT ENTRY....YOU OWE! DEADBEATS cannot win.

4. After the first round (Thursday and Friday) you may pay $20.00 additional dollars to have your name removed since you did so poorly in the opening round. This might reduce your families shame...possibly.

17. We will divide up the cash pursuant to whatever or however Kukla tells us to. Normally we take about 70-80% to cover our...costs. We also promise a happy hour which never materializes but occasionally we get enough to cover the peo ple who Becker didn’t keep track of and who did not pay.

6. Kukla will have this years prize allocation on web a www.kubeklassik.com. I would suggest out of the pot that 20 dollars depending on the pot go to the highest ranking pet entered in the contest. Loyal fans will remember that last year Riley Curtis (or Curtis Riley...I forget) was very competitive. On order to qualify for this prize the pet must submit a one paragraph essay as to how his choices were reached for the benefit of future animal gamblers. I can already tell you that Lily (dog) and Ozzie (Cat) are early favorites for this prize.

11. Blue Horseshoe cannot win.

3 There is a reasonable chance Kukla’s coin flip will win

7. The happy hour is a lie...like global warming.

99. BE VERY CAREFUL WITH TRUSTING BECKER WITH YOUR ENTRY FEE! AT VERY LEAST SEND LAURA HESSEL AN EMAIL CONFIRMING THAT YOU PAID BECKER. SEND BECKER THIS EMAIL TOO. HE IS A DANGEROUS MAN WITH NUMEROUS SORDID VICES ANS SIMPLY CANNOT BE TRUSTED WITH CASH OR FOR THAT MATTER EVEN THIRD PARTY OUT OF STATE CHECKS. You may...on the other hand trust him completely with your complex legal issues.

3. Sean Follis has been banned along with the Winland family for “crimes against humanity”. They really have not been banned but if anyone from “Team Kukla” wins this year there WILL BE Congressional hearings.

5 Laura Hessel will offer to cut cards for any winners portion of the prize. As your attorney I am advising you not to do it. (this might or might not be how she got engaged.)

7. The Curtises will again be entering their pet. Riley will soundly beat Mike Johnson in their now annual head to head contest.

8. KUBE Komments might or might not be written and posted at www.stldinerreview@blogger.com

68. We would like to have a 1500 dollar pot this year and what that means is that you have to get other people involved. Everyone has another pool that they play in...this is wrong and it is up to you to get them in our pool. Ours is more fun...ours is better dressed and people who play in the KUBE pool generally are better in bed. Everyone knows this.

3. KUBE Management reserves the right to ban anyone from participation who we do not like, who has not paid us in the past or anyone who Becker terms “creepy.”

99. West and Finnerty will not accumulate ACC from investing client monies in the KUBE Pool.

10. Updates will be available and quickly posted to the KUBE website. Commentary will be carried on a blog known as “The St. Louis Diner Review” and you will be able to link to it from the website.

11. Please email relevent pictures of participants to wantonbecker@gmail.com for posting on the site. Ultimately we would like to have pictures of all participants. If we cannot have pictures you give us...we will find some on the web (stl.drunks.com) or post pictures of people who are not you...and claim that they are. There is a reasonable chance that these people will be unattractive. We like to have the pics because people like to see who the winners are....and leaders are...and losers are. Help a brother out.

12. KUBE LOLLEKTORS: Stacey at Helfrey Neiers and Jones, Becker at Wagenfeld Levine. Laura Hessel at Moneta group, C.J. (Cedge) Mogerman at Zerman Mo german, Theresa Hutton at Spencer, Fane, Becker at Wagenfeld Levine, Mark Hegemeister for west county intelligentsia...Blah and Blah, and anyone else who can get their cash to these people by tip off. DO NOT DISAPPOINT DADDY ON THIS!

ALWAYS REMEMBER OUR MOTTO: “STUPID PEOPLE DOING STUPID THINGS”....since 1983 or thereabouts.

KUBE 2007: The KNEWS AND NOTES MONDAY EVENING
So...here it is again. The brackets have been posted. It is Monday night and Kukla is busy fixing the website so people can upload their picks. This year we are trying to post Komments on this site...we will see how that works. We mainly want to do it because it is easier for Kukla and I and we do not have to talk since the competition normally puts an enormous strain on our relationship.

The field has been announced. The top 4 seeds, North Carolina, Florida, Ohio State (the hated Buckeyes) and Kansas all romped into and out of their conference tournaments as victors and look like as solid a group of number 1’s that we have seen in quite a while. There are other kwality teams lurking around like Georgetown, Texas, Texas A&M, UCLA, Memphis and oregon...but these guys look good. I predict three of them will make the dance.

Kuklas will be rooting for Miami (of Ohio) or Miami University or Ohio State University in Miami or Upper Cincinatti University or whatever they are called. Dierbergs will be rooting for those spart Quakers from Penn, Beckers will be all over the board and this writer, a long time hater of touchdown jesus (small j) might even be rooting for Notre Dame. What is next? Locusts? Dogs sleeping with cats? Anything is possible because Thursday is not here and hope reigns supreme. Butler is still being taken seriously and people are whispering about the unknown powerhouse that is Winthrop which has been installed at odds of 3000-1 to win it all which is better then Jackson State at 50 sextillion-1. Those are according to “Sheridan’s Odds” as posted in the USA Today.

Over the next three weeks I will break a standing rule for my life and I will read the USA today almost every day. No other publication covers the tournament as well. They will closely examine the question of who will be breaking through this year and upsetting people. Who is this years George Mason? The simple answer is...no one. Sure any team can beat any other team on any given day and there will be some upsets in rounds 1 and 2. I love the Salukis but seriously...Tatum and Faulk are really good college players but all four those number one seeds have at loeast two legitimate pros on the team. They are going to have struggle mightily to lose in most of these games.

Look for your upsets early against teams that are not top 6 teams. The most vulnerable well ranked teams are going to be teams that have not really played anyone like Memphis (Conference USA), Oregon (nver bet on a team west of Lawrence), Texas A&M (Big Twelve over rated) and every Big Ten team that does not have Ohio in it’s name (sadly enough this includes the noble Badgers of Wisconsin. Defense wins games games but not national championships).

Out of the West look for sleepers VCU and Virginia Tech. Tech has the dreaded senior guard combination.
Out of the East they are not long shots but Texas and Georgetown are going to give North Carolina the hardest trip. Kevin Durrant, freshman or not is the man and he is surrounded by a competent cast. Longshots GW and Marquette make it the most interesting bracket.

Midwest: Notre dame, Georgia Tech and ODU. Even the Terps look very tough but they all lose when they play Florida.
South: Brigham Young, Louisville Creighton in what looks to be the weakest bracket giving the hated Buckeyes the easiest trip to the dance. There really is no one in that region that can beat them.

So we are left with the ugly possibility of Florida nd Ohio State playing each other. They cannot play for the national championship but can meet in the semis...go Gators.

This years KUBE should be a fun one. We are talking with the NCAA people about losing their logo and just calling it the KUBE Tournament on a National basis. We are looking into buying naming rights for next year. Keep you eyes and ears posted to this site for future revelations.

During March Madness the St. Louis Diner review will be on a temporary haitus (other then a long over due review of Big Ed’s Chili Mac Diner, as we explore the vagaries of the tournament on our individual, local and national psyches.
THE ST. LOUIS DINER REVIEW FINAL 4: Ohio State, Florida, Kansas and Georgetown. Not many reaches there. Highest finishing long shot, Notre Dame makes Great 8. Biggest first round upsets are Holy Cross beating SIU and Butler losing to ODU. You read it here first.

"STUPID PEOPLE DOING STUPID THINGS"

Rituals Two: Flying

Back before 9/11 my memory is that flying was so easy. Visions of going to the gate to greet people as they arrived (when did that stop?) I remember arriving at the airport 15 minutes before a flight. Security was annoying in that you had to walk through a scanner. Then you had to have a boarding pas to get to the gate but then...what happened? Security happened. They do a good job but the process has become a ritual and in this case it is a somewhat painful one but it does serve, as all good rituals to get me from one place...to another, only in this case those places are not just in my psyche.

The rituals start with packing. All packing is done with a minor consideration of what you need and the major consideration of whether what you need requires a bag that you have to check instead of carrying on. If you are checking a bag you relegate yourself to the dreaded “lost” bag and if you carry on you have to make sure you are in a position to get on the plane in time to stow your bag over head. If not you will become the victim of the dreaded “gate check” and are once again exposed to “lost” luggage and a mental condition known clinically as “Lost Suitcase Syndrome” (LSS).

LSS affects millions of americans each year. It is when you have checked a bag, arrive at your location and the bag is not brought up off the tarmac for a gate checked back or does not come up on the carousel for a checked bag. The first sign of LSS is the stricken look and then you begin the Kuebler Ross stages of denial (perhaps if I wait a little longer and stare mournfully at the chute which spits out the bags mine will arrive). There is also the period where you realize you left you baggage claim tags in the pocket of the seat in front of you on the plane and a frenzied checking of the pockets. After paling and suffering some anguish you move on to anger (I flew 3 thousand miles in a metal tube traveling 600 miles and hour and you idiots lose my bag). This leads to wandering fugue state where you search for your airlines customer service department. This is normally located in the airports equivalent of a dark alley. Not only is it dirty but it is easy to imagine vagrants urinating in the waiting area. It is small. (there is after all no money to be made in finding lost luggage) It is inadequately staffed (there is after all no money to be made in finding lost luggage) It is staffed by a hostile woman (there is after all no money to be made in finding lost luggage) There is a long line of angry, tired, jet lagged people. Eventually you are “helped” by the angry, impatient woman who rolls her eyes at your stupditiy for entrusting a bag to them, your stupidity for not having your claim tags, your stupidity for flying to see you in-laws and finaly is incredulous regarding your hostility resulting in a “not my problem” attitude that can fling the unprepared into homicidal rage. These clerks utter such sage counsel as, “Idon’t have your bag sir.” “I didn’t lose your bag sir.” “I cannot help you if you are going to scream at me sir.” these well trained clerks have been known in times of crisis to close their station and go to lunch. The bottom line is that they do not give a shit. If they were any good at their job they would be doing something for the airline where it makes money. They will then roll their eyes when you describe your bag as “black...about this big (holding hands pathetically to indicate size) and on wheels.” She knows this desribes approximately 94.7% of all bags. Then...they take your contact information and get back to you. At some unspecified date in the future, sometimes when you return from your trip the bag will be left on your doorstep by an anonymous bag farie.

In order to avoud this we pack lightly and jealously keep our bags under our control. This requires that after you pack you get on line and log in and print your boarding pass and check in. This is easy if you are a regular flyer of the airline and have a frequent flyer number or if you kept your itinerary from a month before and can locate your itinerary number. If not, forget about. You can check in the next day when you arrive at the airport and not have enough room to place your bag in an overhead bin and have to.... gate check it.

Then you get to go to the airport. It used to be there were options like short term (close to the airport), intermediate term (slightly further away) and long term (way the hell away). these concessions used to be operated by the airport themselves. Now if yo are going to be gone for more then 8 hours you go to a commercial long term lot somewhere within the same 100 miles as the airport. You pull through several gates, pass on valet service, contemplate covered parking and then go as cheap as possible and park on the surface lot. Scramble out of your car. Forget you charger for your cell phone or blackberry, consider all the places you have to lose your cars claim ticket and get your bags and either wait patiently in the cold for your shuttle bus or trek to their office for pick up. this is where the cattle process starts.

You board a shuttle “bus” which is really a carry all with bad seating and no shocks. The driver will either ignore you or try and carry your bags on to the bus. You get on, you wait till they are satisfied theyhave everyone, you briefly resent the people standing in the warmed valet area who are picked up last and dropped off first and you head for the terminal. You are always (violating numerous laws of probability and physics) the last one dropped off. Then..do you tip this person? If they do not help with your bags what have they done? You watch some people do it. You guiltily give the guy a buck.
if yur checking a bag you go tocurb check in. terminal check in must be avoided at all costs. These guys (TWA used to call them “sky caps”) are normally the most motivated people in the process and normally are the most competent and pleasant people at the airport. Smile at them. Tip them generously so as not to forget to put your bag on the converyor. These are the last competent people you will see in this process.

if you are not checking a bag you go into the terminal. Try and check in at a kiosk. You will find that there are lines of people in front of the kioks and that a minimus of 25% of them (I think this is a Federally mandated number) are out of order. make sure you have your major credit card so they can “find you”. Swipe it...in theory it immediatly accesses your itinerary and allows you the option to check your bag, “no” and thenprints a boarding pass. This is ofc ourse if you did not print it out the night before on line. When you print out at airport you will see an H on your pass indicating that you are in the 8th boarding group. You curse.

Next it off to the TSA line. The cattle process continues with TSA employees (handlers) barking instructions and gesticulating you into various ques. Curse the first class passengers (who you already cursed at the valet position in the car park) as they are in their own shorter line (presumably getting back rubs and lahte grande’s from pleasant good looking TSA staff) and you wander when terrorism became something the rich should be more insulated and less inconvenienced by. as you are getting in line you are asked for boarding pass and ID (picture ID drivers license or Passport) and if you do not have one you then have to make a trip to the TSA office (somewhere 7 miles from where you are at) and fill out forms, explain yourself and get cavity searched before you can board. If you have ID and boardingpass you are invited into a Disney Space Mountain set of switchback lanes which do not allow you to see the end. You also have to hear various TSA announcements and you become homicidal as you see the same uncomfortable, unhappy, tense people as you reverse back and forth towards your goal of security check in.

There are ALWAYS idiots in this line. It cannot be helped. The mentally feeble are still allowed to fly. They have never flownbefore, they have not heard the TSA people screeching at them, they have not listened to the recorded announcments indoctrinating all of us like good Maoists. They are... inevitably... in front of you. They have liquids in their carry on bags which do not comply with the new policy and are not under 3 ounces and not in a clear one quart bag. They are asking for a bag, arguing that their lunch bag is adequate, aguing that their toothpaste is not dangerous. The TSA should taser these people in prelude to looting their luggage, shooting them and leaving their bodies in dumspters but instead they yell at them and we wait. Boy do we wait.

They tell you to arrive two hours early. That is good advice because even though an hour should always be enough time there is an anxiety in waiting in that line which takes years off your life if you are in ANY jeopardy of missing your flight. I reccomend Paxil but consider getting a prescription for any anti anxiety drug. You will need to do this a few weeks before you fly because it needs to build up in your system. Do it but get there two hours early anyway because airports are cool comfortable places to hang out.

You while your way through the line and as you apprach the actual checkpoint anxiety once agin rushes at you. Are you carrying drugs? Did someone slip them into your bag? What do you have in which pockets, why did you wear your boots (because you know you have to tremove your shoes) andoh my God I have a lap top to remove from my bag. You approach the tables covered with bus tubbs and start to disrobe and unpack. Lap top layed flat in tub with nothing on top of it, shoes the same way, coat, sweatchirt and hoody...all off and in a tub, and your carry on which you have been schlepping like a mule for that last mile in that line...all on the table...onto the conveyor belt and through the x-ray. You then still need your boarding pass...again but this time without your license and you try and smile as you walk through, hope you dont beep and oh shit, you forgot about your big Loan Star belt buckle and you have to go back through, put it ina tub and walk back through hoping you pants do not fall down and that you are not “singled out” for “special screening.”

You then if you pass muster move to the far side of the x-ray machine, reclaim your belongings, reassemble your life and re dress and move on. You find your gate. You marvel at the fact that there are 4 places to get food and drink while you wait and they all suck. You settle on a Starbucks and because you were good you have 45 minutes to wait. Your gate area is of course full because they do not have enough seats for everyone who is getting on a plane in that gate area. You finally find a place across the concourse and you set yourself into a chair designed by some sadistic German. Somewhere it is writteninto Federal law that airports may not have comfortable seating. there is als a bar between every chair so that people cannot move into a prone position.

You have time to kill so you fire up the laptop. There are no outlets at airports. Sure you can luck into one by sitting on the floor behind a gate agen but do not count on it. Next you get to see that this is one of those enlightened airports that does not have any internet OR is a t-mobile “hot spot.” Somewhere along the line your city planners have forgotten that business travelers and business CFO’s will not do business here because the idiots have decided that free internet was too much. So you buy a newspaper and try and relax. You are about toget in a metal tube which for some reason will be suspended several thousand feet above the ground...relax.

Boarding time comes. You curse the rich valet people again as they board first in a slow carfree way only hobbled by he dreaded “people needing extra assistance and families with small children.” You wait as people line up. We will not even visit on the Southwest Airlines cattle call which should be the subject of numerous scholarly articles and sociological studies but for a quick idea please read the book “Lord of the Flies.” So you wait for them to call you boarding group and then you line up, hand them your boarding pass and wait some more for the people ahead of you to find their seats and take up all available overhead room. Anxiety sets in again as you know there is no room for your bag.

You go down the jetway seeing whether you are flying on a puddle jumper (small jet suitable only for maximum discomfort and fiery crashes) or a big boy plane (huge outdated behemoths that still have ashtrays soddered shut from when they disallowed smoking on planes 120 years ago suitable only for maximum discomfort and fiery crashes. You step onto the plane and are greeted by the steward or stewaress (there are no hot stewardesses..believe it, get over it) and you wait seeing you are in seat 24E. You wade through first class, they already have their cocktails and are not making eye contact with anyone as we trudge through back to our cabin (think trail of tears). Their seats are massive in first class accomodating their girth with room to spare. Their drinks are served in real glasses. They offered refills. You suspect that good looking men and woman are perfomring sexual favors for them when the curtains are closed between classes and that it is just a dirty little secret of first class.

On this rare occasion you find room for your overhead bag (say three hail Marys and one rosarie). You then stand behind the man with the bag that is too big for the space trying to shove it in as he sweats and curses until finally he is relieved of the bag, over his objection by a steely eyed stewardess who admonishes him that he brought to big of a bag on the plane and why didnt her check it in one of the ubiquitous “if your bag is larger then this you must check it” oblivious to the fact that no one has EVER checked to see if there bag was to big because the space provided in those checkrs is the size of a toaster oven. As the bag is taken from the desperate pleading man to be “gate checked” and never seen again there is always an implied possibilityof violence if you do not surrender the bag quickly and quietly.

You find you seat finally and see that you are...of course in the middle seat. To the window seat is a fat smelly man and on the aisle there is a fat smelly women. Both appear to have been ushered here from a homeless shelter by the airline for the express purpose of making you uncomfortable physically and mentally. One of them starts to talk to you before you can bury your face in a news paper or book. You briefly contemplete pretending to be deaf and then are engaged in halting, painful and inane conversation. It is then...and only then that you realize that you have to go to the bathroom.
You sit inyour cramped seat and hear a speech regarding safety belts and flotation devices “in the unlikely case of a water landing” for your trip from St. Louis to Minneapolis. Minnesota is of course the land of 10,000 lakes. You are admonished to turn off your cell phone as the door to the plane closes then you wait....the plane pulls back from the gate....and you wait....the plane lines up for take off...and you wait...then you finally take off noticing that the homeless woman has stopped talking and is now puking noisily. You did not notice immediatly because you have now realized that you have two children with their mother, aged 6 months and 5 directly behind you. The 6 month old has an ear infection and has just started a crying jag which will not stop until we land or she passes out. The 5 year old is busy kicking and punching your seat as his mother in a great deal of stress admonishes him to “just behave Loenard.” You contemplate suicide.

At some point you are allowed to use lap top of iPod and can slip headphones on. They offer you a 2 1/2 oz tumbler of soda. You can buy a warm beer for 6 bucks. The drink has no ice and is flat. You still need to pee. The woman has stopped vomiting. It smells even after the bag is taken away somewhat reluctantly by the the stewardess. You try and read, work on your laptop or do a soduku puzzle. You spend 8 seconds flipping through the airline magazine. You might wish you had some porn on your laptop. Sometime the pilot makes inane announcements about arrival time and gate, apologizes that you are behind schedule and points out that if you squint out the right side of the airline you can see the worlds larges ball of twine.

You develop a head ache from the pressurization in the plane, from your anxiety and lack of sleep or more likely from that brain tumor that you know your lazy doctor has not found yet. You idly hope in your cramped middle seat needing to pee that something in your head might suddenly pop and other then a little blood coming from your ears you will die quickly and neatly. You do not die. You question the existence of God as the fat man starts to snore so loudly that he is drowning out your iTunes and the screaming child. You silently wish ill on his children. You realize your blood sugar levels must be plummeting and curse the bag of stale “snack crackers” you refused an hour ago. You hope that you black out.

The plane starts to descend. You assume that it is losing power and you are about die in a spectacular crash. They announce the “final descent to our arrival destination” and you wander why they are talking that about a thick mountained forrest and wonder about the sadistic sense of humor the stewardess has. You are told to turn off all your electronic devices and return your seat and tray table to their upright and locked position. You descend rapidly. The ground shoots up at you. You wonder f the pilot has ever done this before. You see the airstrip...you bounce hard on the runway loosening some fillings. You slow and are pulle forward in your seat. You taxi to the gate, You wait for the 144 people in the seats ahead of you to slowly claim their belongings, reassemble their lives and proceed out of the plane. As you gather your own and head out you realize the people in First Class are already teeing off somewhere and you curse them again...and their children. You mouth is dry and your skin is cracked from the dry air in the plane. Your angry and tired. Welsome to your business or vacation desitnation.

You consider driving home for the return trip. You fail to think positively about any of these rituals bringing you so far, so fast and so safe. You wonder about the bag retrieval and the rent a car and your hotel reservation and you just wish you were home. You still need to pee.